We'll Always Be Alright
by Vintage Tea Party
Summary: One night after getting a glimpse of a possible but terrible future Rose and the Doctor seek to comfort each other. But in the face of an uncertain future their darkest secrets of the past are brought to the surface and they can no longer be hidden. Before they can survive the future will they be able to survive each other's pasts? *4th in the Stuff of Legend series*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Sometime has passed between this story and the previous one "A Different Way I Need You." At this point the Doctor and Rose have bonded on more occasions than just the two that I have written previously and are pretty serious in their relationship. Time wise I place this story as taking place very shortly after episode 2:12 "Fear Her." This story is much more intense than the previous installments and brings us to some of those dreaded questions some of you have asked about but I hope you enjoy it! **

_Take me back! _

Rose brutally but thankfully awoke. She bolted up in her bed before she was even fully awake and a hand instinctively flew to her mouth where she still felt those dreaded words on her lips. Her eyes flew open and were met by the starry lights that glowed on the ceiling of her room on the TARDIS. Even still it took her several minutes to realize that she was really here and not trapped in the subconscious world which she had just escaped. Her legs were knotted in her blanket and she gripped two handfuls of it in her fists. She felt paralyzed, pinned by fear that irrationally made her not want to move. Her throat was raw from screams she must have made in her sleep and she was gulping air to replace what she must have used on them.

She'd had a nightmare. It had to have been a nightmare. Of course it was a nightmare. Except...it didn't feel like nightmare. She struggled now to remember what had happened in it but whatever had been left of the dream upon waking was fading with every second. Somehow, she felt that it probably hadn't even made any sense when she was in the midst of it. But the feelings attached to it had been very real and very strong; even now they were very present with her.

She lay back on her bed, her fists still gripping the blanket up against her chest, and she tried to relax herself. She focused on the lights on her ceiling trying to soothe herself. They were a gift of the TARDIS. She'd installed them for Rose, an exact replica of the night sky from Rose's home on Earth. But despite the calming sight and the deep breaths she was taking she could not stop the panic that was trying to force itself up from the depths of her or the fear that was now coming to surround her.

It wasn't just a nightmare, she knew it. It was something entirely different. It was like seeing the world differently. It was like she could _feel _time. She could almost taste it changing in front of her. Even the colors of it had hurt. None of it made any sense and she now worked to try to piece it all together.

She struggled to try and remember what had happened but nothing came to her even though she searched her mind out. She was left only with the sounds and feelings and those terrified her. She could still clearly hear both hers and the Doctor's screams and cries. And she could distinctly feel loss. Whatever had happened, she had lost the Doctor. Of that she was sure. She felt he had been ripped from her in some way, leaving her arms, her heart and her mind, completely empty. She now felt that emptiness as if it were somehow truth.

She could clearly remember hearing her own voice crying out _Take me back! Take me back! _The desperation in her voice when she cried out those words frightened her to her very core. She didn't even want to consider what would have to happen for her to cry like that, to lose it so completely without reservation. What terrible thing would have to happen for her to sound so desperate and so broken? Not only to feel that way but to scream it at the top of her lungs?

Those three words were the only bit of actual information she could glean from the dream and she felt a pinch inside of her when she considered them. Why was it always those three words? Of course, hearing her scream them in the nightmare, she knew what must have happened. She'd screamed those words when the Doctor had sent her away at Satellite 5 and she screamed them again when they stole her away from him on Krop-Tor. Hearing those words now she knew she must have lost him. Why did it have to be those three terrible words that she heard now?

She sat up again in her bed, restless, giving up on her attempts to calm herself and put both of her hands to her head. Her mind ached terribly as it reached and searched. She was not surprised to feel it. It was her mind trying to reach out to the Doctor's but limited in its efforts to connect with him across the distance. Her mind pulsed and throbbed, desperate to seek comfort from the Doctor's. The pain was meant to drive her to him to seek comfort from him and to get the answers she needed. She needed to know that he was still here, that he was safe. It sought to know he wasn't going to leave her, desperate to know he wouldn't let anyone take her away.

It was the bond she and the Doctor had made when they touched their minds together. They were now forever telepathically connected with an ongoing need to spent time communicating inside of their minds. That need to seek out each other's comfort in this way was always worse when they were in danger or times of trouble. In fact, it was almost losing the Doctor and her subsequent need to touch him telepathically that had led the Doctor to realize that they were both mentally bonded to one another. He had initially felt guilty when he realized what was happening. The need for mental bonding was something that he had been born with. But he had not known that she would desire for it like he did. By bonding with her he had awakened something inside of her and had sent them both a down a road they could never return. Not that either one wanted to.

The need to touch his mind was now all consuming. She felt it in every part of herself. She could think of nothing else. She had to satisfy it and to know that he really was here and safe. He always said she was did a good job of controlling the need and not letting it control her. He had said that some humans wouldn't be able to handle the addition of a need like that. It was a very powerful thing and could get the best of you, if you were not disciplined enough to gain control over it. But it was times like these she felt she really was becoming crazed with it.

She threw back the covers and nearly ran out of her room and to the Doctor's. Her bare feet were getting cold from the TARDIS floor and maybe she should feel ridiculous running down the halls of the TARDIS in the middle of the night clad only her short sleep shorts and tank but the fact was, she just didn't. This just didn't feel right. She needed to know that the Doctor was here and safe. She needed to feel his mind inside of hers. She had never felt the desire to so this much before and there had to be a reason for that.

She had gotten a lot better about asking for this. At first, despite the fact that they had been so close the first time they had bonded, she still wasn't sure how to talk with him about it. At first they had both been shy about talking about it even though both had wanted to do it again shortly after their first time. But after Rose realized it was a need she had and the Doctor knew he wasn't the only one who felt that way, it had become easier for both of them to ask for it. Now they were often on the same page; when one needed it so did the other.

So, she did not worry what she would say to him now. Even if this was only a nightmare she'd had and he didn't feel the same distress she did she could still tell him how it upset her and he would be more than happy to comfort her. He was the only one who could remove this ache inside of her and she now knew how he delighted it doing that for her.

They had bonded their minds several times since they had started this relationship. She felt a flare of warmth inside of her as she remembered those times. She could remember each time in vivid detail. She kept those shared times inside of her like secrets. Each time they came together their bond got stronger. Every time they made each other stronger. What was happening between her and the Doctor was something incredibly special.

But if she had to explain it all with words she would be unable to. She would never be able to explain what was happening between the two of them. It was happening with emotions, not words and so there were no words for it. Even between the two of them most of it went unspoken. Things were changing and things were being said but it was like wordless whispers passing between them. It was so deeply personal and private she wouldn't want to explain it anyway.

She spent a few more minutes trying to find the Doctor's room, which always seemed to be in a different location each time she looked for it, when she turned a corner and found him at the end of it. She halted when she saw him and he did the same. His bare feet, t-shirt and pyjama pants told that this had been one of those rare nights that he had actually slept.

Relief flooded her. Her mind jumped at the sight of him. Now that she could see him and register the fact that he was physically alright the pulsing in her head changed from a desperate need to a deep want. She had told herself that it had only been a dream but that did not stop her from feeling like what happened was very much reality. For a moment, losing him, being separated completely from him, had been real. And by the look on his face that mirrored her own emotions she knew that what had just happened to her had also happened to him. It also told her that it had not been just been a dream.

She was surprised when he started to run towards her and she moved quickly to meet him. He gathered her in his arms and held her desperately, almost too hard against himself. The relief she had initially felt at the sight of him was fading. The way he clung to her was unlike him. Even as their relationship was growing he still wasn't this open with her physically. His arms now held her body as close as possible against his. She felt anguish and grief radiating off of him. There was no relief mixed in the emotions she could feel from him. She still felt him mourning for her even as he held her, angst heavy in his touch. To feel it all from him called back her own fear and anxiety.

"You saw it too, didn't you?" he asked as she felt him bury his face against her shoulder.

"Yes," she said, wanting to feel glad that they shared this experience but unable to as their emotions built, spurred on by the emotions of the other.

"I don't know how that's possible," he said, almost to himself as he pondered this.

"It felt so real. What was it? It was just a nightmare, right?" she asked desperately.

Only silence and unease from him and she thought she felt his arms get a little tighter around her.

"Tell me it was only a nightmare, Doctor," she begged grabbing him quite noticeably tighter.

He suddenly grabbed her head roughly in his hands and looked her in face. For a moment she thought he was about to plunge inside of her head without word or pretense. She felt a shot of excitement and a chill run all the way through her at the idea that he would. She longed for him to do just that. It was the very thing she desired. She pushed up on her toes even her body leaning in and reaching out for it.

But he hesitated with his hands at the back of her head looking intensely at her. She inwardly urged him to move his fingers forward just a few inches to rest on her temples and her hands grabbed at his with pent up energy. It was taking everything inside of her not to take her hands and immediately dive inside of his mind. She was practically going mad from the energy and power that was building inside of her head needing to be freed. The desire and fear for his safety was building it by the second.

He looked at her and she knew. Of course, it wasn't just a dream and he wouldn't give her anything but the truth. "What was it then?" she asked, a tremble of emotion in her voice.

"It was a...possibility."

"It was the future?"

"Not necessarily."

"What do you mean? Can't you tell?"

"It was the future," he admitted with reluctance. "But it isn't necessarily the right one. There are multiple versions of the future at any given time. I don't know for certain which one is the correct one unless there is a fixed point."

She was right. This hadn't just had a nightmare. She had gotten a glimpse of the future. That had never happened before. She normally would be excited at gaining a new experience but she couldn't when what she had glimpsed was so awful. Instead, she felt dread but she had to ask. "Is this a fixed point?"

"No," he said and she could feel he was being honest. There was a brief shot of relief when he said it. She also felt determination in his answer, brief but it was there. He would do what he could to make sure it wouldn't happen. If it wasn't fixed he still had the power to do that. But the that feeling was brief and did not last.

"But you think it's going to happen. You said something's coming. You said a storm was approaching. This is it," she said her voice breaking and tears coming to her eyes. "You already could feel it. This is going to happen."

He grabbed her firmly by the shoulders. "We don't know that, Rose."

"But-" she said her desperation growing.

"No," he said firmly. "I felt something coming, yes. But this nightmare, this glimpse of the future could be completely unrelated. And most importantly it may never occur."

"But what was it? What happened to us? I couldn't make much sense of it."

"It doesn't matter," he said with determination his teeth clenched. "It isn't going to happen."

She felt he was just barely containing the anguish and fear that were building in him. It did nothing to convince her of the words he was saying. He was trying to focus on his determination and optimism but they were warring with the darkness this possible future brought. But she couldn't just move past it that easily. She had never seen the future before and this was a terrible first glimpse of it.

"But it happened tonight," she said quietly. She felt him loosen his grip on her and she watched as something shifted in his eyes. With it she felt the small wall he was trying to build around his heart crumbling. She'd always known that was what he did. He had always built walls to protect himself from the pain around him but now she could feel those walls. She could now feel how those walls kept her out. He was getting better at not handling everything that way. It was becoming easier for him to face those emotions. She was helping him to face those emotions that he feared. Because of her he feared them less.

"I'm sorry," she continued on. "Maybe you can just move past it but I can't. I'm not used to this. I believe you, I do. I know it might not happen but...it felt like it happened. It felt real tonight. It felt like I lost you."

His face softened. "Oh Rose," he said putting his hands gently on her face. She felt her love for him multiply at the tender words and gesture. She loved him so much and feeling the loss of him was the worst feeling she'd ever had

"I don't know what happened," she continued on. "I couldn't make sense of it all. But I know I lost you. I heard our screams...I heard my cries. I can still hear you screaming like I've never heard before. And I can _feel_ it all."

"I don't know what happened either...sometimes when I see future events it's clear as if it were happening right in front of me. Other times it's more abstract. When I see events from my own personal timeline it's always obscured. But you're right...we were separated."

"I feel so empty. I...I need..." she said struggling.

"I know," he said quietly with feeling shaking his head in agreement.

He silently took her head and shifted it so that the side of hers touched the side of his, making contact at their temples, taking them both to where they needed to be.


	2. Chapter 2

As Rose's temple touched the Doctor's the contact between the two brought the mental connection on faster and more intensely than it ever had been before. This was a point they had not used to initiate their bond and they both found that it was incredibly powerful. Rose couldn't even be sure who entered whom first the meeting of their minds was so instantaneous. Never before had they come at each other simultaneously and it was such a different experience than what they were used to that it was nearly overwhelming for both.

Rose cried out at the touch it was so powerful. It was something in between a yelp and a moan and it held within it relief and desire and desperation and sadness all at once. She was glad that the Doctor didn't pull away at the sound of it, thinking he might have hurt her. She couldn't be sure she hadn't cried out in pain as their minds roughly tumbled at each other but she was absolutely sure that she didn't want him to stop. He had gotten much better at reading her feelings since that first time their minds met and he wasn't nearly as shy as he had been then. He knew now exactly what she wanted and needed the most and it was the very opposite of pulling away.

Her knees buckled as his mind lunged at hers and she grabbed his shoulders as she fell down to her knees. She straddled his lap as he sank below her and he held her body tight against his. She wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled her head against his trying to close space that wasn't there, seeking even deeper and deeper.

She thought that when their minds met it would help to relieve the yearning inside of her as it always had. The pain would subside and they would be comforted by each other. But that didn't happen. This time the aching and pulsing and reaching of her mind did not stop. It only increased as it met with his, hungering even more to be with him. She knew he felt it too. She could feel the painful desire of his mind as it longed for hers. She could feel he was aching for her in the way his mind grabbed at her. She had never felt that before. Her touch had always relived any pain he'd had, as his had done for her. But the presence of each other seemed only to increase their pain and need for each other. Being with each other only served to remind them of all they had to lose and reminded them all the more of how much they didn't want to lose each other.

This was not like any time they had ever bonded before. Whenever they had come together to bond their minds it had always been calm and calculated. Their actions had always been slow and steady. They always started with a slow and gentle greeting, stroking each other's minds before they delved deep down inside. But this was not stroking and tender sharing; this was grabbing and taking. There were no whispers or hellos; there were no words at all. This time there were only actions driven by unhindered and unrestrained power. Both were unleashing their full desire from the start.

This was so desperate. Rose felt it as her mind was roughly grabbing and clutching at his, rushing to search him out completely and all at once. His mind was just as rough back at hers. Time had always seemed to stand still when they came together like this, like time didn't matter, that it wasn't passing at all while they shared in this. But now it felt like time was an enemy looming over them. It felt like they were nearly out of it and they had to rush to get in all they wanted. Maybe it was because she had seen the future for the very first time but she now seemed to feel time and be very aware of its passing and its limitedness. That took her security away and she felt she had to hurry to know him.

There had been times in the past when she felt her mind hard to control. Sometimes, its newfound strength seemed too much for her to handle. When it moved with intention of its own it was hard to restrain and she struggled to make it do what she wanted rather than what it did. But the way she was moving now was not because she could not control the power of her mind. This was intentional. The speed of both their actions was not because they couldn't handle what they felt, but because they did not want to hinder it in any way. Both moved with passion and it had nothing to do with losing control or being overwhelmed.

She was desperate to run herself through his light, touching his very consciousness and there was no time to take their time. She needed to feel it now. _Doctor! _she cried his name into his mind. He understood her request and somehow he was able to make himself stop his actions. His quick movements stopped and his mind stilled so that his light would burn through for her. She knew it was hard for him to remain unmoving but she was so relieved when she felt the light of his mind flowing into hers.

She drank in his warmth and radiance. She rushed at him quickly to soak him up. She completely immersed herself in the middle of his orange light and wrapped herself up in who he was. She needed to be with him like this, always. She could never give this up. She could never give _him_ up. Right now, as she was surrounded by him, she felt she would not survive the loss of it. How could she ever live without spending time with him in this way? Her survival, her life seemed to depend on it.

She had never allowed herself to truly imagine what it would be to lose him. Of course, she had thought about it. Their lives were in danger all the time. Already she'd watch him die once. But she never really imagined it and she had never felt what it would actually be like. Things were so much different now. It was like, ever since they had become bonded, she had subconsciously kept herself from really considering it anymore. It was like an instinct that had told her that the weight of wondering would be too much. Now that they were bonded together it brought a whole new level of loss, a loss she had felt in her nightmare. This nightmare, this glimpse of a potential future, allowed her to know what it would actually feel like to lose him. It was so strange to feel the actual emotions attached to an event that had yet to happen, an event that hopefully would never happen, and she wasn't used to it.

She felt as the Doctor's fingers dung into her waist where he had held her but now gripped her with the effort of holding his mind back. He was straining to remain still. It had been hard at the start and it became even more difficult as she ran herself through his light, her touch stimulating his mind and begging him to move. With great effort she made herself stall so that he could feel her shine back at him. Her mind quivered with the effort of it but when he came at her with such eagerness she'd had yet to feel from him she knew it was worth it.

She felt as her light glowed, radiating from her. It flowed out of her in yellow and pink waves, inviting and welcoming. She felt him moving in the midst of it. Her mind wanted to jump out at his but she made it stand still so that her light could burn as strong and steady as it could for him. She felt him taking it in. She ached in the best way as he slowly ran himself through it. She poured everything out of her into it. All she was, was meant for him.

It wasn't long before she had to come back at him, eager to feel more of him. She felt he had only started to build a wall to protect himself from his emotions but she encouraged him to let it fall. She had so many feelings and they got so intense when they came together like this. Right now she needed him to feel his too. She couldn't be left alone in her affections. She didn't want to feel her fears alone. She wanted to feel his too. She didn't want him to hide anything away.

She felt as he tore it down and his feelings came through. He had always felt that the emotions she brought out in him were her making him more human. But she knew that she simply brought it out of him. The potential had always been there she just gave him a way to give into them. He'd always had them inside he'd just been too afraid on his own to give them any power. He had needed a safe place in which to indulge them and she was glad to give it to him. She had given him the strength to acknowledge them.

Though he had started to resist them when she asked him to let them through now she didn't feel much resistance on his part. Without any hindrance she dug deeper into him; she needed to see more and more of him. It had felt like she had lost him and her mind now needed more reassurance than it ever had that he was alright. It was becoming a frenzy and maybe she should be afraid of that but she wasn't.

Then she felt it. Now that he had let her in without reservation she felt what he had been feeling, what he had been trying to protect himself against. A sense of doom hovered over them, a storm _was_ coming, and he'd felt that. The unexplainable but also undeniable sense that something bad was about to come now filled her. His anxiety and fear came into her and she felt them too. He had known something was coming, he had felt this. He had been carrying around such a terrible dread because of it. And it had been there for a little while now. He had known about this before tonight and she realized that he had been keeping it from her.

Somehow she was able to get her hands in between their chests and she grabbed two handfuls of his shirt. She pressed him the short distance until he was up against the wall of the hallway. A flair of anger surged in her that she did not try to tone down and she firmly said _Don't. _It was only one word but he knew what she meant; it simply would not do for them to be keeping things from each other. She was at her limit of being able to tolerate his keeping her in the dark.

He shook his head fiercely against hers; of course he wouldn't keep her in the dark. Or more honestly, he would at least try not to, he admitted. She tried not to be angry that this was the best answer he could offer her. She was torn between wanting to be mad that he had been hiding this from her and wanting to be with him even more because of it.

It was not a long battle. In the end the desire won over the anger. It always did. An angry person she wasn't. A desirous person she most certainly was. There was no time to waste being angry anyway. She let go of his shirt that she gripped in her hands and let her hands fall to rest on his chest all anger and fight completely gone out of her. She now leaned against him only wanting to be close to him. His arms eagerly pulled her in tighter against him.

He rushed to explain himself and she could see now his intentions behind keeping this from her. His desire was to keep her safe, to keep her from worrying. It had burdened him to feel something terrible was coming and be the only one who knew it but he did it so she wouldn't have to. Keeping her safe at all costs was a part of who he was. Even when it meant keeping things from her which he knew she did not like it was still difficult not to do whatever he could to protect her. She felt his guilt over keeping it from her and shame that she had found it out this way. Feeling his explanation made it even more impossible for her to be angry with him.

But the thing that bothered her the most was knowing that there was something he had been able to keep from her. _Don't hide from me _she begged of him, her voice softening and her heart no longer angry. She didn't want to think there were parts of him that he was hiding when they were together like this. It wasn't fair to her. _I won't, Rose. I won't. _He said and she wrapped her arms around him holding him, her mind touching him reassuringly. He hadn't meant to hide from her she knew. He didn't want to hold things back from her when they were together like this. This was a process and he was still learning, still trying to be better at it, still trying to learn how to share himself.

Now that he was aware of what he'd been holding back she felt as his mind opened up completely to her, no barriers and no hiding. He had let her in all the way now and she grabbed back at his mind in desire.

His light now felt cold. As she pressed on the presence of his mind again she found that it felt like ice. She physically shivered when she touched it. The dark spots on the edges of his warm orange light were more pronounced than they had ever been. The brighter parts of him had always been dominant but now she looked upon it and the darker, sadder parts were growing larger chasing the warm light away. Now that he wasn't hiding this from her anymore his feelings about losing her came tumbling out. He hadn't just been keeping this storm from her for her sake; he'd been running from it himself. He had not been able to face the thought of losing her, unable to face the loss of that. Now he had to face it.

It was so dark inside of him now she had a hard time finding her way around. This is what his mind looked like when he gave into the depression. She had known there was sadness inside of him; she'd seen it a lot in her earliest days with him. But even she had not known just how much of him was darkness. It could be all consuming. It almost was now as his fear and despair raged. It was not often that he allowed himself to feel the full pain misery of things and this was why.

She cried out when she felt all of these things from him. He felt so much loss at the idea of losing her. He grieved at the idea just like she did. She thought it would help to feel he shared in what she was feeling but it had the opposite effect on her. To know how much he wanted her only made her want him more and to know he felt this much fear about it himself only made her more fearful.

If he felt this hopeless then he must believe that there was a great possibility that this glimpse of the future was the real one. This was the first time that she had seen the future but he saw the future all of the time; he knew how to read it. He would know if there was something to this dream or not. He had tried to pass it off to her like they wouldn't worry about it but now that she was inside she could see that he truly felt that this would come to be.

The nightmare they'd just experienced together was a new thing for him. And the strength of it, the feeling attached to it gave it some credibility that made him worry that it would actually happen. He'd been troubled about this for a while but this event had seemed to further cement those worries. What hope did they have? He had been considering this for a while and this is where he had arrived. She allowed herself a few small sobs because she didn't know what else to do. But when she did, something seemed to snap in him.

The Doctor could feel what his mind was doing to Rose's and something shifted so suddenly in him that it almost knocked her over. It was a strong determination building. Hearing her start to cry, feeling her lose hope snapped him out of his despair. She was giving up because he felt like giving up. What was he doing? he asked himself. Why was he giving up?

He wasn't powerless and he wasn't going to give up like this. He would never give up on _her. _He would save Rose. He would protect her and keep her safe. He'd once saved her from the midst of a Dalek fleet hadn't he? He had once given his life to save her hadn't he? No cost was too great when it came to her and her safety. He had been carrying this fear around with him alone for a while now but now that Rose had seen it, it looked differently to him. He shouldn't have hidden it from her because she made him see that of course he wouldn't give up. Her fear had woken him up inside. He wouldn't allow her to be afraid. He would chase that fear away.

His determination to keep her safe, to fight for her churned up all kinds of things in him. These were feelings in darker shades. More possessive feelings. As his sadness and powerlessness were being banished by his power she could feel feelings that he'd not let through before. She felt his claim on her. He had never let it through before because he had never wanted her to feel like he bound her to stay or that he possessed her in any way. But now he wanted her to know how felt how he truly felt and she felt it.

She was his. She belonged to him. He needed her. He wanted her. He would not let anyone take her. His mind was bound to hers, on a journey that would one day bound their very souls together and he would not allow anyone to stop that. His arms around her tightened holding her even closer as he resolved in himself that he would not allow this to happen. He was prepared to use his power to stop whatever force dared to step in between them.

She now spoke with her feelings, instead of words. She took one of her hands and pulled his head even closer against hers, intensifying their connection. She told him she was glad. She _was _bound to him. She _did _belong to him. She didn't mind, no she loved, to be claimed by him. In all the time and the universe she was the one who got the Doctor. No else did; he was hers. She was glad to know he could and would fight for her.

The Doctor's presence came back powerful in her mind. His light flared, sending the darkness back to their places and burning hot sending away the cold. She had always known that the Doctor was powerful but he had never allowed her to see it anywhere close to this much before. What she was seeing now, told her that even she had underestimated what he was capable of. He was capable of much more than he ever let on. There was a reason he was called The Oncoming Storm.

She felt a chill of pleasure run through her to see it and he felt it, encouraging him on. He'd held so much back from her. She could feel that as his mind now burned inside of hers. She had known he'd had to keep his power toned down for her. It had been out of necessity but he no longer doubted her abilities. He no longer doubted that she could handle seeing this much of him. And he no longer worried about showing this much to her; he no longer doubted her devotion to him.

The coldness that had been inside of him was gone now. The darkness that he had briefly allowed to dominate him had been banished. Determination stoked the fire and it now raged. His light was burning, brighter and hotter than it ever had and she delighted to feel it and the passion that drove it.


	3. Chapter 3

Rose continued to reach out her mind strong to match the strength of the Doctor's firm movements. He massaged her mind deeply with his own, his movements hard and warm against her. His movements were almost too hard and his fire was almost too hot inside of her head but she found that for now she could keep up. Even if she had found she couldn't have she was enjoying herself too much to stop. He had never been so passionate and unhindered with her before and though she loved when he was gentle with her it was also nice to see him be a little more reckless with her.

Her mind was so much stronger than it used to be and she rushed to keep up with him. It was difficult but she was able to do it. She couldn't keep it up for long though and she didn't really want to. She let her mind fall still and her body go limp against his. Rather than trying to keep up she let him she let him take over and delighted herself in the way he moved.

She felt so much in the way he stirred inside of her head. There was so much drive and motivation behind his actions. He hadn't just resolved to fight for the present that they currently had and their relationship as it now stood. He wasn't just fighting off the terrible future they had both gotten a glimpse of tonight. She realized there was a future, a different future than the one she had seen, that he was fighting for as well. Even more than what they had now he was fighting for what they could have. What they had both seen tonight was not the only thing he had viewed of a future for them.

She got a flash of images much like the dream she'd had and yet so different from that. This was another glimpse of the future, one she felt the Doctor had seen before. These events rushed at her so quick she wasn't even sure how she was able to recall them. They were not of a single event as her nightmare had been; they were of several events over the years. They did not hold pain and fear as her nightmare had. These images held hope and passion and joy.

She saw her and the Doctor binding their hands together with a ribbon as he spoke a secret name into her ear. She saw herself whispering it back to him in their most private moments. She saw intimate times that confirmed they would have no trouble having a physical relationship as he had once feared. She saw so many worlds and times she'd had yet to see, the faces of people they would one day save. She saw herself round with a baby, a Time Lord baby. She felt herself having a conversation with that child, the Doctor's child, while it still grew inside of her. She saw herself growing older and she saw him, changing too. He would keep this face for her but each time he would make it older, for her.

These glimpses were beautiful. She felt tears come easily to fill her eyes when saw them. These things also could be the future. There were so many different things she knew that they had come from several different visions he'd had. They didn't make up one complete timeline but several possible ones. Any of them could be true. Any of them could also be false. But she already found herself longing for them all. She begged for them to replace the other terrible future, the one where her and the Doctor wouldn't be together.

She moved suddenly pushing back into the Doctor's mind. She delved deep down inside of him in frustration. It wasn't fair. She wanted those things. She wanted a future where they were together not one where they were separated. She wasn't even paying attention to how far and fast she was moving. She pushed so far into him that she crashed against his deepest part, the secret place inside of him. She heard him grunt at her force but he made no protest, at her distressed movements.

She reached out to touch the door that was in front of her. On the other side was where the Doctor hid his name, where his soul lay. She'd found it the first time they'd bonded and while she had quickly moved away then, she lingered there now, so close to a place she wanted to be but wasn't ready for yet. She could hear whispers of what lay inside and she so wanted to be allowed to enter but she knew the timing was not right. The progression of their relationship could not be rushed and she didn't necessarily need to be allowed in right now. She only feared that she would never have the chance to know him in this way. To be allowed inside was to know him completely, it was to belong to him entirely, and she was so afraid she would never have that.

They were falling in love like Time Lords do; slowly but deeply and completely. The process was longer but it was much more rewarding. Already she knew that she was closer to the Doctor than she ever had to anyone. It wasn't just about their bodies coming together which, while it had its merits of course, could be quite superficial. This kind of love was about knitting two minds together, about joining two hearts and someday even their very souls as one. Something that special took time and care. It couldn't be forced even now when they feared they might not have the time they needed to see this to completion.

This was why Time Lords did not have casual relationships like humans did. They couldn't. It was such a complex thing. It was telepathic and physical together; the two could not be separated. They were governed by time and they could not rush or change the time lines they could see. Even she was starting to understand these things by being with him. She had already begun to see bits of time and sense when it was the right time for certain things. Falling in love like this, you could see your time line and the time line of the person you were with. You could see the two becoming one. You knew when the timing of things was right or not.

She could understand now why the Doctor had resisted his feelings for her at the beginning. It wasn't because he hadn't wanted a relationship with her; it was because he fully understood the responsibility of what that would mean. Falling in love like this, which slowly required you to give yourself so completely to another, was a risky thing. He had known just how much of one it was before he had ever begun the process with her. To lose each other now, at this point, they might not survive it. Couples that were joined in the way her and the Doctor were, were never supposed to be separated. Right now she felt almost certain that she would not survive it. The things she felt in his movements made her think he wouldn't either.

Her attention was now reluctantly drawn away from her thoughts and back to her mind. His fire which had continued to grow in force through all of this was now burning her mind. It had progressed from a level that felt good to a point where she felt like it was becoming too much for her to bear. For a few moments she couldn't gather enough strength to care about that. She couldn't think clearly enough to know why anything past this moment and being with him was important. She couldn't even imagine a future, she was so much in this moment. She wouldn't think about the future at all because then she would remember it might not include him. And if she thought about that then she would never break this off. She would let his fire burn until there was nothing left of her.

But she knew she needed to make herself think rationally instead of letting her heart do all of deciding. She knew she was getting carried away, in a dangerous way. She focused back on her own mind and the current state of it and she could feel it was struggling. Its energy was nearly spent and it was losing strength. This was too fast and too powerful and her mind, though growing in strength all the time, was not yet strong enough for this level.

_Doctor…I…I'm sorry. I can't _she struggled to say urging him to slow down though it was the very last thing she wanted. She didn't want to have to ask him to slow down. She wanted all the passion he could give. She gasped from the pain now that she had slowed down enough to make herself feel it. She felt realization in his mind as he assessed her condition and recognized how much she was struggling to keep up. He hadn't meant to hurt her but he now saw that he had.

She could feel regret fill him. He never let himself be this unguarded with her for this very reason. He knew his own power; he knew what it was capable of. He had always worried about hurting her and now he felt he had. She was now beyond the ability to speak with words even in her mind but they could read each other feelings now. She murmured several inward apologies to him. She reassured him it was alright, that she was alright. Still, she felt him make a hasty retreat back whispering several apologies to her.

She felt regret of her own and frustration at her own limitations. She normally felt good about her telepathic abilities. She always seemed to exceed the Doctor's expectations of her and what she was able to do. She always seemed to be able to give him what he needed, maybe even more than he realized he needed. But she didn't feel good enough now. As strong as she could get she doubted she could ever fully match him. He would never be allowed to completely unleash himself to her.

Though she had been the one to ask him to ease off and she knew she needed to do it that did not stop the ache she felt as he pulled back away from her. Her mind felt empty and dark as his pulled out of hers. She let her head roll to the side and rest on his shoulder in fatigue. He followed to keep the side of his head pressed close against hers. She whimpered pitifully against his neck as she felt his retreat away from her and his arms wrapped tighter around her.

His mind was only gone for a brief moment before coming back cool and soothing against her own. It swept gently over hers like waves and it was a relief. It felt good, like a breeze soothing her mind and she could feel where their rough touching had left singe marks on her mind. Where before he had been grabbing her as if she were invincible he now held her like she was terribly breakable. It was quite the contrast but she knew it was exactly what she needed. She had not realized how much their haste was leaving a mark on her but she now knew they'd slowed down just in time.

The way he held her now was full of reassurance and comfort; he felt she lacked nothing he wanted. She could feel that he truly had no disappointments about the fact that her mind couldn't keep up with his. He didn't want to be as powerful as he could be, he didn't want to fully unleash his Time Lord mind. The power was dangerous. It could do bad things. He loved her humanity, he truly desired her frailty. He begged her not to squelch it or despise it. He treasured it and he felt it made him better things. It made him gentler and kinder, softer and quieter. She kept him grounded, she kept him kind. He didn't want her to be like him; he wanted to become more like her.

She loved how in one moment he treated her with such passion she knew she was desired and the next moment he was so gentle with her she knew he cherished her. She smiled against him. He wanted what they were becoming; not a fully unleashed Time Lord's power or a full human's weakness. It was something in between, something beautiful and unique. Something only the two of them shared. She wanted that too. Hearing him speak to her about it she didn't feel like it was a weakness any longer.

In the stillness, in the wake of him showing his mighty power, she allowed herself to feel vulnerable. It wasn't him who made her feel that way. It wasn't his power that had made her realize it. She was already that way and she knew it. He had only made her remember. She knew she had always been vulnerable. She used to feel that way all the time but she had left it long ago in in favor of a stronger character. That quality in her had been used to abuse her. So, she had wrapped herself in capability and strength and used them as a wall to protect herself. She didn't want to be dependent on people. Still, she was not always as strong as she appeared.

She didn't need to be afraid with the Doctor. He was powerful, more powerful than anyone she had ever known there was no denying that. She had just seen how much. But she didn't need to be afraid of his power because he was trustworthy. He wouldn't use or abuse the vulnerability in her. He valued that quality in her. It had been a long time since she had let herself feel breakable and dependent but in the Doctor's strong grasp she wanted to feel it. She wanted to let him be strong for her.

She let herself feel those long held back emotions and she felt as they flooded through her body and spilled over into his. She felt his breath pause for a second as he felt what was coming off of her and then his mind squeezed hers back strong and protective. She felt him whisper gratitude at her for showing this part of herself to him. She didn't show this often and now that she had he knew it showed how she trusted him. He had held back showing her his power and she had held back showing him her frailty but now they both knew. They had been afraid of these things in themselves but it was just another wonderful example of how they complimented each other. It was another reason they were meant to be together.

He started to rock her back and forth in his arms and she felt so safe with him. Never in all of her life had she been in so much danger as she was when she was with the Doctor. But never had she ever felt more protected. There were no words to describe what it was like to feel protected by this man. He had the power to do so much and he focused his strength and his attention on her. In light of everything they had to lose and the possibility that it might be taken from them she couldn't be more grateful.


	4. Chapter 4

Rose didn't know how the Doctor could hold her so gently. Now that she knew just how much power he held inside, she wondered how he could hold her so softly both physically and mentally. His arms were still wrapped around her, encasing her, holding her protectively and safely against him as he continued to rock her back and forth. His movements were so tender inside of her head as he worked to soothe the burns on her mind. He truly was a Doctor as his touch went about healing her.

She focused her attention back on her mind which was still weak but was feeling much better. She could tell that she was getting stronger under his careful touch. She felt she had gained enough energy and strength to move again so she settled herself deep down inside of him so she could study him slowly. She wanted to memorize everything about him. She wanted to lose herself inside of knowing him, blurring the lines of where she ended and he began.

She listened to his heart beats from the inside. She could see the way they beat in tandem together. She could visualize his blood pumping through them delivering life to him. She memorized their rhythm, the ballad they constantly played, that was completely unique to him alone. She smelled his scent which was made of so many things she could never quite place them all. It was the dust of planets that lingered on his shoes and something metal on his hands from working on the TARDIS and something she could never place but brought to mind images of a place she'd never seen. There were so many things that made him up. There were so many tiny things that fit together to make up the experience that was him and she wanted to memorize every single one of them.

It sounded silly to say that she saw stars but she literally did when she pressed even harder against his mind in this intense moment. They glowed like the light inside of him. The stars and galaxies that he glided across were written upon his very being. They rushed at her, so many that the number of them went against her understanding. All the places that he had been to were a part of him and in turn they now became a part of her. She'd only seen a tiny fraction of what he had glimpsed but in knitting herself to him they became hers as well.

To love him was to know him this way. It was to see and smell and touch and hear and taste him all at once. It was to truly study him and to glimpse all the tiny things that made him up on the inside. This is what the bonding was for; to know a person completely. She felt that she could spend her whole life exploring the inside of this man and never realize all there was to knowing him. The things he'd seen and experienced, the memories that made him up were nearly endless. She was sure she could study him all her life and never know it all. But she wanted to spend all of her days trying.

She reached up her hands to his ample head of hair. She knew how much he enjoyed this form of physical contact. She started out just gently brushing it with the palms of her hands but soon dug her fingers deep down into it. He let out an uncharacteristic groan as he let his head fall to rest against her chest as she raked her hands back and forth across his head scratching his scalp as she did so. She loved to hear the things he was thinking and feel the passions he felt with her affections. She scratched hard and tugged on his wild locks enjoying his uninhibited internal dialog, his breath heavy against her to match his mental conversation. She loved that she could make him happy. She wished it would always be in her power to do so.

She took her index fingers and ran them down along the front of his ears circling around to the back and repeating the action over and over again. She felt as his breath seemed to stop and she was sure that he was taking advantage of his respiratory bypass at the moment. He had found that he had gained some strange attachment to these particular appendages ever since his last body when he'd been given such a large pair of them. Rose knew this about him though it was something he had never voiced. Of course, she knew: she was brilliant. And he felt how much she cared for him in the way she ever so gently and slowly rubbed along the edges, tugging on the lobes ever once in a while. He remained frozen and still taking in her physical affections. She was so good at this and he marveled at all he had been missing in his life without having this.

He felt unsure at what to do to reciprocate. He had remained still taking it all in but he wanted to show her how he cared for her in return. His mind was nudging him to show the feelings he was having for her. But physical touch was still a new concept for him and he still doubted himself in this area. She was so good at it but he knew that he was not. Her mind caught on to his internal worries. She'd already been there enjoying his happiness and she easily caught onto the shift as uncertainty came into his mind. Her thoughts now guided his touch, her emotions would tell him he was right. She reassured him that he knew what he was doing, that he didn't need to over think it. She reassured him that he did not need to feel embarrassed.

He ran his hands up her shirt to spread along her bare back and she shivered in response. She wrapped her legs around him pulling herself, somehow, even closer against him. Her hands stalled from what they were doing as sparks seemed to ignite on her own skin at his touch, her nerves brought alive under his hands. It was her turn and she gave herself over to him now. He traced along her shoulder blades. He ran his fingers lightly down her back counting every vertebra on the way down. She was right; he did know what to do. Somehow, they were completely in tune. He could feel how much she enjoyed the way his hands felt strong against her back and yet so gentle as they traced along, sketching the landscape of her back.

His hands moved forward to rest on her waist. The shift in positions did wild things to her internal chemistry. Her hormones, her heart rate, her breathing, everything inside of her it seemed accelerated at the touch. It was all quite intoxicating to feel and smell and hear her reactions and he could see how easily he could gain a fondness for this. He ran his hands slowly up her sides his hands still holding close against her and all of these things continued to increase in her and there was some colorful mental narration to go along with it.

Rose thought maybe she should have been embarrassed about the thoughts that entered her mind and flowed into his as he ran his hands slowly up her sides but she didn't. She would have been embarrassed of what she was literally begging him for in her mind as his thumbs brushed so close to where she wanted him to be if she did not feel his own desire coming back at her. She would never get tired of that sensation and she never ever wanted to lose it. She pressed on it with her own nudging him on.

But something strange happened. She felt something she had never felt before. In all their times together she had never felt this but it came to her now quite clearly. She didn't know what it was yet but it was something to do with time. She was starting to be able to _feel_ time. What she was feeling now was similar to what she had felt when she had glimpsed the future tonight. She could now distinctly feel time inside of their heads. There was an element of time that was connecting them. She could feel it; she could almost see it when she focused on it. She could feel that he felt it too, his movements stalling as they both now focused on it. Whatever it was he was not surprised by it.

She focused more on it. It felt like her, it felt like him. They were written into it and it into them. Something told her that this was their timeline. It was the timing that led and guided them. It was their story. It started when they had come to know each other and wove closer and closer together until this moment. Beyond that she could not see. She tried to study it but it was as he had said; most of it was blurred and unclear to her. It was not a book she could read to tell her everything that would happen to them. She could understand what a terrible thing that could be for the people who could change time to suit them. At the moment she wasn't sure she would even want to see it. She was too frightened that she would see the two separate strands of them break apart and go in opposite directions. Or even worse, one of them end completely.

They were not meant to see it all clearly. It was only a guide to tell them the things they needed to know when they needed to know them. And right now she could hear the alarm bells that seemed to go off signaling that they were entering dangerous territory. This timing didn't feel right. It gave her a sick feeling. She knew they were going too fast, their distress making them lose focus. They were moving much faster mentally and physically than they ever had. It wasn't like them. They could both feel the twisting on their time line that told them they were not doing things right. For some reason she felt it was absolutely imperative to slow down. She felt something very important depended on it. She tried not to think too much about why that might be.

So she didn't take any offense when he moved his hands away from where they had halted. But she did ask him to leave his hands on her back where he had started and so he did. He held her firmly against him, his burning hands against her skin. She only wanted to feel him and know he was there, unhindered even by the thin fabric of her shirt. That's really what she had been seeking all along.

He broke his head away from hers but he kept his connection with her as his lips touched her shoulder. He ran his lips along her shoulders lightly brushing along, touching all the freckles there.

She leaned in close, her face touching his, her lips a mere breath away from touching his. But she lingered there not taking it yet.

_Why don't you? _he asked, speaking with words for the first time in a long time.

_It's not ready...the time it, doesn't look right _

_You...you can actually see it?_ he asked in surprise.

_Yeah. Don't you?_

_Sure, _he said with a small laugh_ I see time all of the time. But I didn't realize you could_

_I guess I'm starting to. I can see our time. Kind of. Not the full of it but bits and parts. And it doesn't look right yet_

_I'm sorry, _he began to explain, feeling badly that they'd had to slow down _the bond-_

_Besides…I like to feel it _she said with a smile interrupting his apology.

_Feel what?_

_The anticipation_

_You anticipate it? _he asked with a smile.

_Of course...but I wasn't talking about my anticipation...I'm talking about yours. I like to feel it _

_Rose...you never stop surprising me_._ You understand. Understand how it works-how _I_ work. You understand the time-how _it_ works. How it passes, what it means _

_You like that, huh?_

_I never thought I'd be so lucky to find someone who would understand...how I would fall in love. Let alone someone who would care enough to put up with me_

_I am not putting up with anything _she said fervently her hands just barely brushing his hair affectionately.

_After my people were gone...I thought I would always be alone. I thought there was no way anyone could ever understand me. I actually couldn't imagine what it would be like for anyone to want this with me _

She felt a wave of his old grief. It surprised even him when it came out. He had not been expecting it. It had long been put to bed since he had met her but it was still inside of him, still a part of his memories, still a part of the man he was. Though it was gone now it had once been a part of his everyday life. The reminder of it was now turned into a fear. A fear that one day he would have to return to that reality.

He had been so lonely. Many people could say that no one understood them, but he was the only man in the universe who could literally say that there was not one person who could understand him. He was the only Time Lord; no one else could understand some of the things he faced. He really had believed that no one would ever want him. But he knew now that Rose did want him and she did understand.

He had mourned at the idea that he could never have this again. He had always thought that even if he found someone to care for him they would not love the way he needed it. Even when he met her he thought she might not want this. She could see that he had wanted this with her for a long time before he had told her about his 'loneliness of the mind.' She could see that his mind had struggled to reach out to her early on and she felt how he had had to hold it back. He never imagined that anyone would commit themselves to him forever as she had.

_I could have never imagined I could have this _she said pulling his head down to her shoulder and holding him against her. _I treasure this. It's more than I could have ever asked for. _

She didn't know how anyone could not want this. She started to rub her fingers in circles at his temples massaging gently as her mind stroked his firmly. It was a gesture she had used the very first time she bonded with him but it continued to be effective. With it she sought to reassure him that she always would try her very best to understand him. And heavy in her touch she let him know that she wanted this, this way of falling in love. It may not have been the way that she always viewed love but it far exceeded anything she'd previously know.

She only feared that this could be taken from them. She wanted to tell him that he would never be alone again but she knew she could not promise that. She still felt the vision of the future in her mind. It felt as if it would never go away, that it would always be there reminding her that this could be taken away from them. But there was something else that troubled her. She felt something dark and ominous coming. This was not the vision of the future she had seen in her nightmare. This was something else building up from the inside of her. She did not know yet what it was but whatever it was told her that it too could take all of this away. Something else was coming and it was almost here.


	5. Chapter 5

_Don't leave me, don't ever leave me_, Rose's mind now begged inside of the Doctor's. He couldn't tell if she meant to say it or not but regardless of her intentions her mind was crying it out. _Please, don't ever leave me. _

_Never Rose. Never ever_ he said feverishly.

Rose wasn't exactly sure why she had said it either. Though she didn't know much about the vision of the future they'd seen, that future that would separate them, she knew enough to know that the Doctor hadn't left her voluntarily. Whatever had happened they had been forced from each other; it wouldn't be by either of their choosing. So, she wasn't sure why she would need his reassurance that he wouldn't leave when she could tell he hadn't. She hadn't exactly meant to but she did mean it.

Maybe it was because of what she had just sensed, that something else was coming, something different than that future but still something that could separate them. Though she didn't even know what that was yet, she feared it. She could feel that it, unlike the possible future, was certain to come and it was bad. Maybe that was what she needed his reassurance from.

_You said, 'never say never' _she said remembering his words from a few nights ago. She had been frightened by them even then. She had felt so good that night getting him back, having him safe once again but his gloomy response had made her worry again. She had said that no one could sepearte them but he seemed to believe that it could be possible. She now knew that his words had been because he had sensed this storm coming. She had needed his assurance then and had not found it. This time he did not disappoint her.

_I'm a liar. I'm such a fool _he said with passion pressing his forehead against hers. _I could never leave you_

_Never? _she asked with insecurity.

_There is only one thing that has ever made me think that I could leave you. Only one reason I would ever even want to try _he said after some hesitation.

_Even now? Could you? _she asked. After all they had been through, could he send her away as he once did? Those times in the past when he had tried to separate himself from her for her safety had been long before they had crossed the lines of joining themselves together. Nearly everything had changed since then.

She didn't worry about his leaving her as much as she once had. The day they had returned from Krop-Tor, when they had discovered they were bonded and had spent time telepathically linked, they had discussed the time he had sent her away. She had felt better after she had been able to share her feelings from that experience with him and finding out his side of that story. Feeling how much it was love for her that had motivated him to send her away from him had chased away the fear that it was something he had done lightly.

But even though she now knew his intentions it did not take all her fear away that it would happen again. In fact, now that she knew his intentions, knew that he sent her away to save her life, she knew that her insecurity and fear of him leaving her could never go away completely. He loved her and he would always want her safe.

She felt he was conflicted inside. Something inside of him made him hesitate to tell her he could never leave her. What had driven him to leave her all those times? What could possibly make him think he could or even would want to again?

As the questions were in her mind she felt him holding back something, something to say, the answer to those questions. There was something trying to come through but he was trying to keep it back. She could feel that it was hurting him to hold it back this long. She felt his restrain was fraying at the edges, ripping and tearing against the force of the truth and would not be able to hold for long.

_Let it go_ she urged as she reached out and stroked his mind.

Of course there was only one reason he would choose to leave her. And of course she knew what it was. He had told that he had sent her away for her own safety but now she was able to see just how much he meant that. Her mind filled with images, possible futures that he had seen at one time or another. They were possibilities that could have been. Some of them weren't to be because they were in the past and had never happened. But others still remained to be seen, they were possibilities that had not yet been disproven.

All of them involved her death. Only a few of them were concrete, enough to where she could actually make out what had happened. But most were only hints of what would lead to her demise. Surprisingly, she could see how much worse the later was. They were far more terrifying because they were so vague they could happen at any time. There was not enough information for him to know when the danger had arrived and he would not be able to find a solution until it would be too late.

The more concrete possibilities were harder in another way. It was much more difficult to actually see her die but the Doctor felt at least he had some control over them. One of those visions was of her dying at Satellite 5. If he hadn't sent her away to her, if she hadn't come back to save him, she saw them there dying together as the delta wave killed every Dalek and Human and Time Lord in its path. She saw through his eyes as he would have had to look her in the face, knowing he was about to kill them all. She felt how excruciating it was for him to think about her burning and dying. Out of all the horror this would have caused her death was what he was most upset about. He couldn't even bear it. He wouldn't let it happen.

For him there was only one thing worse than dying without her. And that was dying with her. And that was why, in the past, he'd always been sure that he would send her away. If he could see the future and her death was in its path, he would remove her from the situation. He'd always been firm on that, until recently. Now he was unsure. Now the lines were blurry. He didn't know if he could do that any longer, he did not know if his mind would allow him that. With her so much a part of him, could he be strong enough to be that selfless?

She had always wondered how he could send her away. But after she had just seen what she had seen, she wondered how he could ever not send her away. Wouldn't she do the same if she was in the same position? If she could see time as he did and see that he would be in danger wouldn't she send him away too? She wasn't sure. Now that she could see time she figured it was a dilemma she could find herself in. But she hoped she never had to find out for herself. After feeling how terrible a weight it was for him to witness her death she could not imagine how he could have ever made any other decision.

_How did you bear it? All this time, how did you bear it alone? _she asked, amazed that he had carried such concern for her, the whole time they'd know each other and never been able to share it with anyone.

_I knew how badly it hurt. I didn't want it to hurt you too if it didn't have to_

_I suppose you don't really get a choice about that anymore do you? _she said with a slight smile as she placed a hand on his cheek and stroked it with her thumb.

_I suppose I don't _he said with relief and gratitude as he placed his hand over hers.

The Doctor didn't have a choice in what he showed her in and what he didn't anymore. Everything they both were, the good and the bad, would become a part of the other as well. He would have thought that he would have been worried when that realization came to him but he wasn't. He didn't want to hide anything from her anymore. He knew her so much better these days than he used to and he knew she was more than capable of carrying the burdens along with him.

_You knew there were times that you could save me but you also knew, even from the beginning, that there would be times that I could die that you wouldn't be able stop. You saw of hints and whispers of what they could be but not enough to stop them all _she said and she was in awe. She had never known the weight of all that he had carried to be with her. _And still...you didn't run away_

_I felt like it at times_ he admitted.

_I know. But you didn't. You buried yourself deeper in me and my life. You gave me this _she said in wonder, tears building behind her eye lids.

_Don't...Rose don't_

_I'm not saying goodbye. Feel the words; they're not a goodbye, they're a thank you. I knew what you had to gain from this but I never realized all you had to lose_

She thought about the conversation she and the Doctor had after she had met Sarah Jane. He had said it all then, though at the time they hadn't been bonded or even a couple. He would always be the last one. He would survive longer than her. No matter what happened he would be the one that would outlast her and he would be the one who would have to know what it felt like to lose everything they shared. He had always known this and yet he had decided to become this attached to her.

_I have no regrets _he said taking her head in his hands. He knew what she was thinking about and he wanted her to understand. _No matter what happens. It was all worth it to me _he rubbed his thumbs back and forth across her temples. She grabbed his wrists with her hands and held on, steadying herself as a delightful warmth radiated from the spots where his fingers stroked.

_Just...keep saying it _he asked. He needed her to keep saying it; maybe if she said it enough times he could convince himself that leaving her was never the best option. Even if her survival was at stake he needed to remember how sending her away made her feel. He wasn't sure he could be convinced but he needed to try, so that he would remember that they were a pair, that they had to be together.

He wanted to believe that he wouldn't leave her now. They were so deeply bound together he wanted to believe that he wouldn't ever send her away. He knew what it felt like for her when he had. He knew what it felt like for _him _when he had. But he wasn't sure he ever could stop himself from sending her away if it meant saving her life. He carried so much guilt on him but there was one guilt he was sure that he couldn't ever carry and that was the guilt of her death.

But he needed to remember how things had changed forever. They were now two halves of a whole. They were no longer two people who could detach themselves and thrive separated from each other. There had been a day that was a hope he could have had, but it was one that was gone forever. And good riddance to it. Whatever they were to face in the future they were facing it together.

_I need you_ she said over and over because she knew what he meant when he asked. She meant it more with each time she said it. Every time she said it, it made her remember just how much those words were true. She focused on the warmth of his touch and drew it into her, holding onto it inside of her head. She couldn't help her mind from wandering to the past, a time in her life without the Doctor. How cold her life had been in every sense of the word. She didn't want to return to that. Anxiety filled her just at the thought of returning to her previous life, of thinking that there could ever be a time when she would know that she could never feel him like this again.

The Doctor felt the change in Rose. _Rose...__it wouldn't be like that _he tried to encourage her, though encouraging her in a future apart from him was the very last thing he wanted to do. But he remembered the things he had seen the first time he had looked inside of her mind. He remembered her lonely past and how difficult those times had been. He remembered how taken for granted she had felt by those around her. He had felt how restless and discontented she had been. He couldn't tell her she'd be happy in a future where they were seperated but he could tell her she would never be that same person again.

_You're not that same person. You've changed _he assured her, amazed by the strength she possessed all on her own.

_I am not as strong as you think I am _

He was about to ask her what she meant by that when he felt something trying to push up from inside of her mind. It was memory, a large and troubling one, trying to come out from deep in her mind to the surface where it could be seen. He felt her clench and push it down straining to do so with all her might.

The Doctor could feel that this was the memory she had hidden from him ever since the beginning. She locked it away the first time they had bonded. This was the darkness spot on her mind. He could feel her anxiety growing by the second as it fought to come out into the light. This was a significant memory, its impression on her deep. It was significant but it was in a sinister way.

_No, no, no _she cried out. _Not that. Not now_. This wasn't the right time for this. She hadn't summoned this memory. She would _never_ summon this memory. They had enough to think about right now in the here and now without delving into the past. But she knew it was coming out regardless. It had tried to come out before but she had always been able to push it away. But she could feel that this time was different. It had never pushed with such force before and she knew it was stronger than she was. This was what she had felt coming, the thing inside of her that could separate them. She knew it because she'd always feared it could.

_Shhhh_, the Doctor murmured to her. _It's alright_. He could feel the emotions churning up in her and he could hear as her heart raced and her breathing accelerated. A side effect of the reawakening of memories was powerful emotions. When memories came back they brought with them the very emotions you had when you experienced the events for the first time. Events that were years old and that you might think were dead and buried could come back at you and affect you as if they happened only yesterday. He could feel that she was starting to feel the emotions attached to this memory.

The Doctor knew that this would happen. The longer and the deeper your mind bond became with another person and the further you were in that relationship the harder it became to hide anything. The Doctor knew that it was meant to be that way. Those who were bonded, especially those who were romantically so as he and Rose were now, were not meant to have any secrets. The closer that you became with someone the more you needed to have that person know you completely. If you got far enough in the relationship there would be a time when nothing could be hidden.

If a couple reached that point you would find that you even lost your desire to hide anything from that person. But it did not start out that way. It often was painful in the beginning. Even though he knew it was meant to be this way he still longed to not see this for her sake. He knew, of course, that as long as they were growing closer it was unavoidable but he wished to spare her. He'd been in her position before and he knew how painful it felt. He could feel the dread rolling off her as the memories started coming in and he didn't want to see them any more than she wanted him to see them.

_It's alright, Rose. This is supposed to happen _he said trying to reassure her. He had known that this would happen eventually but he also knew that did not make it any easier. He wished that he could go first, that it would have been him having to share a painful memory instead of her. He knew that there were things that he would have to show her that he didn't want to and he wished one of those things would have come up before hers. She was afraid and anxious and he wanted to take it away.

"I don't want it to," she cried out loud with her voice. She was using all of her mental energy to push this very big memory away and keep him from seeing whatever it was. She did not have the energy to be able to do anything else, including speaking into his mind. Still, he could feel that if they kept their connection for much longer she would not succeed in keeping it from him. He could hear small cries coming from her and he knew she must know this too.

"I'm sorry it hurts but this is part of the process," he said opening his eyes and looking at her.

A slew of her emotions hit him. Fear, shame, and pain hit him all at once, the force of them nearly taking his breath away. He knew she felt that his Time Lord emotions were so much stronger than her human ones. And he might agree with that but human emotions were so _different. _They were wilder, less controlled but also purer and more simplistic. They succeeded in overwhelming him at times.

"Rose, it's the bonding. I'm sorry but there comes a point where we can't control where our minds go. But it's good," he said trying to comfort her. "It means we're getting closer."

"I don't want you to see it."

"Why not?"

"I'm afraid," she said keeping her eyes shut tight. Rose did not admit fear often. She just didn't get scared that often. It alarmed him enough to hear her admit it so easily but even more so to know that he was what was evoking it. It was an emotion that he did not want attached to him in any way.

"Rose, look at me," he asked gently, taking her face in his hands looking at her. She opened her eyes and looked into his. "You don't ever have to be afraid to tell me anything. Ever. I want you to know that."

Her face looked like she wanted to believe his words. It was hard but he could just barely feel small amounts of hope and trust trickling through the other, harder emotions inside of her.

"You wouldn't have always liked me," she said glancing down, "If you had met me at another time in my life you would have never asked me to come with you," she said as she started to cry.

Alarm bells were ringing in the Doctor's head and his dread was growing over where this was going. His heart was already breaking just seeing how afraid she was to show him this memory she was hiding and he wondered how he would ever bare actually seeing it. He hoped he was strong enough for this. He tried to reassure himself with the fact that this was the right time for this to come out and that must mean he could handle it. But he took little comfort in that.

He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs, brushing her tears away as he did so and somehow managed to keep his voice strong. "Why do you say that?" he asked.

"I know that you like that I am compassionate and protective. I know that you like that I am independent and strong and brave."

"I do like those things in you," he agreed. "I can't deny that."

"What if I weren't all of those things?

"But you are those things, Rose. I've seen in for a fact."

"But what if I wasn't always?"

"Rose…I know who you are now. I know you better than anyone, right?" he asked and she slightly nodded her head. "And knowing who you used to be isn't going to change the way that I feel about you now. The truth is there are times in my past where you wouldn't have accepted my invitation to come along either. But thankfully the past is in the past. Right?"

"Yeah. But...I'm afraid you won't see me the same anymore," she said quietly. "I hated me when I was her. I wouldn't blame you if you did too."

He knew the feeling all too well. He knew it so well that he had always thought this would be a conversation she would be having with him. He never thought he would be having it with her. He was sure that his darkest spot, his worse memory, his greatest sin would come up first. He thought that would come up and he would have to be the one to have to decide to let her in or stop them from going further. He never imagined it would be her first.

"If you really don't want me to see it, I won't push it. But we'll have to break off the connection. We can't stay like this much longer without me seeing it. I'm sorry it has to be that way, but it does."

"I know," she said with reluctance. "I can feel it."

He could feel her deliberating. He really hoped she wouldn't stop them from going any further. He actually wasn't even sure if there was any going back after they had made it this far. And he really didn't want there to be. Whether they had only a day left together or many years he wanted her in every way, as much of her as he could get. He couldn't imagine giving her up once he'd had these tastes of her.

"I don't want to stop. You know I don't," she said.

"I know," he said with understanding.

"I just...I don't want to see this either," she said with dread but he could also feel that she had resolved herself to letting this happen.

_I'm here to protect you_, he encouraged her back inside of her mind again as he looked straight in her eyes.

"Promise?" she asked.

_Stop fighting. Just let it happen._

He reached out for her, took her in his arms and held her against his chest. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, holding onto him like her life depended on it. He reached down and placed his lips gently on her temple breathing his feelings into her. It was one of the most special gestures a telepath could give, a touch so intimate he had yet to use it with her. He was glad to use it now, happy he'd saved it, to give it to her now. He needed her to know how he felt; he needed her to _feel_ how he felt.

He heard her breath catch in her throat for a second at his touch and then he felt as her restraint snapped and the memories spun out into both of their minds.


	6. Chapter 6

**Since so many of you were kind enough to review and were so enthusiastic about getting this chapter sooner rather than later I thought I would work extra hard to get it to you early. I have never written Rose's past so I would really like to know what you think.  
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**Trigger Warnings: Mentions of abuse, eating disorders, thoughts of suicide, and a traumatic event**

The Doctor's mind was pulled back into Rose's past with so much force that he couldn't stop it now even if he wanted to. It had been a long time since the Doctor felt his mind being pulled so deeply into someone else's memories, to not only look upon them but to experience them for himself. He had glimpsed parts of Rose's past but this was going to be different. He had never seen anything from her mind that he were experience for himself from her perspective so completely.

He could now clearly see a young Rose, probably a good three years before he'd met her. She stood looking at herself in a bathroom mirror but he could tell from her surroundings that it was not the one in her flat at home. It amazed him how much he felt as if he were really there with her. It had been centuries since he'd been this close with someone and he had forgotten just how real a memory could become. The Doctor walked closer to her to see her better and he half expected her to see him but of course she didn't.

He almost didn't recognize her. The Doctor was now only a few inches from her but instead of recognizing her more he recognized her less. It was not the younger face that made her look so different, though it still amazed him how much a human face could change in a mere three years. It was everything in her expression that was unrecognizable. Everything about it was wrong; nothing about it was her. Her face, the physical features of it, were so young; she looked like a child still. But the expression she wore on top of it belonged to someone older. The things her eyes held were not that of a young girl but that of a woman who had experienced things that had aged her.

She looked so small and so sad the Doctor longed to reach out and hold her. He couldn't quite remember that he _was_ holding her right now and that the Rose he was seeing was a memory. He was becoming more and more a part of the memory and he could feel what she was feeling, what she had felt then. He could no longer remember the present.

She was so lonely. He knew well the way it looked on a person and he saw it all over her face. She just stared at herself in the mirror with dead eyes. They were so dark, darker than he'd ever seen them, as they stared back at her. They were surrounded by smudged mascara that spoke of tears she'd shed but her face was currently devoid of emotion in a scary way.

But more than seeing she was lonely he could feel it. He knew what it was to feel all alone, to feel like you had no one in the world but he had not been prepared to feel the way she felt it. Mixed in with the loneliness was self-loathing, liked she deserved to feel this way. He knew the combination well, or at least he knew well the way he felt it. The way she felt it was completely new to him and was something he thought should never be. He knew what had led him to feel that way at times. He didn't want to believe that there was anything inside of her that would make her feel that way.

Rose reached down and took off her shirt and carelessly threw it in the floor, still staring at herself in the mirror. The Doctor felt like he shouldn't be seeing this but it was not for any reason he might have imagined. It was not the sight of her body that made him feel he should turn away but it was the secrets that were so obvious on it that made him feel as if he were invading her privacy. But he was unable to look away; he was so far into this that the thought didn't even occur to him.

She was so thin, too thin. It was not just that she was younger and smaller. The difference between her now and her then was too much to have only just been a matter of a few years. It was unnatural and he painfully knew it was also self-inflicted. He never wanted Rose to be in pain and he certainly didn't want her to the one causing herself harm. But by the way she looked it was undeniable that she had made herself look that way.

As troubling as this sight was and the revelation that it brought with it, there was a worse secret that her body told. She looked so fragile like she might break in two at the slightest of touches but there was evidence that wasn't possible. His eyes fixed on the dark marks on her shoulders where she had been gripped too hard by fingers that were much larger than hers and the same marks on her sides where she had been bound too roughly.

These were not self-inflicted. The Doctor's gaze focused on them and he couldn't stop the fire that flamed up inside of him at the sight of them on Rose's skin. They had been left by someone who had not cherished Rose, who should never have been allowed to touch her in any way, let alone in the way those marks suggested. The Doctor was sure he had never been as angry as he was right now as he wondered who could leave these bruises on her. He imagined ending such a person who would be capable of hurting Rose in that way.

The Doctor was glad he didn't know who this man was. He had never wanted someone dead as much as he wanted this unknown man to die. If he saw the sight of such a vile creature he would be forced to remove him and probably his entire family from history, ridding humankind of such a tainted bloodline. Rules or no rules it wouldn't matter; he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself of sparing Rose of having to experience this pain.

But Rose was not paying attention to the marks. She didn't even seem to notice them. They were nothing new and they no longer caught her attention like they may have at one time. They were commonplace. She also wasn't gazing upon her appearance. Though the sight of her thin frame was a surprise to the Doctor it wasn't her. Neither were the reason for the expression she now bore. There was more. The Doctor wondered how he could bare knowing any more of her pain.

Rose looked down and gently clutched her stomach with both of her hands. This was nothing to do with her weight. She was not clutching at something that was there. She was not struggling with the weight she carried there. That battle had been going on for some time now. No, it was worse than that. She was reaching for something that wasn't there.

The Doctor steadied himself as he was pulled completely into the memory, to feel it as she felt it, to hear what she was thinking. Though he knew he would have to deal with it later it was a small bit of relief to disconnect with his mind and the pain and anger of his own thoughts.

Rose had been planning on taking a shower but decided against it. As she started down at where her hands rested she started to feel the pain returning and the merciful numbness she had felt briefly was fading away. A flood was rising up inside of her and if it unleashed when she was in the shower she might just drown. Instead, she reached under sink and retrieved a bottle half full of some very strong looking liquid. She sat down in the tub and started drinking so fast she didn't even take a breath. She downed the rest of the bottle like it was nothing and stared blankly at it for a few minutes. She hoped it would dull the feelings but she knew it wouldn't. It never did anymore. She took a deep breath and shuttered as the emotions she'd been numb to were starting to break through. She took the bottle and threw it against the wall where it shattered loudly.

She pulled her legs to herself and wrapped her arms around them. She buried her face into her knees, sobbing as she remembered the day. All she wanted to do was go home. She had a rare urge to be with her mum. She just wanted to go home and have her mum hold her. She longed to be taken care of, to have someone take all of her pain away. Her mum hadn't really been very good at that in the past but Rose wanted it from her still and Rose knew she could give her at least a little comfort. She was so lonely and she figured anything had to be better than this. She used to think she knew what lonely was. It was partly what had driven from her mum and home. But a year and many bad choices later she realized she didn't know what it truly was until this moment.

She still ached inside and she wrapped her arms around her middle to try and make it go away. Physically, it was unlike any pain she had ever known. The pain of it had been much worse than she had expected and it lingered still, hours later. But she knew that this pain would fade with time. It was the other ache, the one inside of her heart that she feared the most. She was sure that this one would never fade. It was much like the worse emotions she already carried with her. It was like the shame and loneliness and grief she already bore but magnified so that it outdid them all. She wondered how she had ever gotten to this point, how it ever could have become this bad.

She had started out with Jimmy because he was exciting. She liked that he was kind of dangerous but mostly he was just fun. They had a good time together. He was wild and unexpected and the very contrast to everything she knew in boring life. But if she was honest with herself even in the good days (if you could call the early times that) Jimmy was only a distraction. He was something to take her away from her dull and disappointing life. He satisfied her adventurous spirit. He helped her to pretend that she wasn't sad and lonely.

No one had ever noticed her before. Everyone overlooked her. She was never very good at making friends. She had a few but she was far away from being popular. At home it was only her and her mum and her mum was rarely there. Even when her mum was around she was distracted by someone or something else. So, when Jimmy had sought her out it had felt good. It seemed that no one took notice of her even she was trying to be noticed. Certainly, boys had never paid her much attention. But Jimmy not only noticed her; he liked her.

And it _had_ been exciting in the beginning. There were so many new experiences. Jimmy was considerably older than her so he'd been out of school already and living in his own flat when she's met him. It was not long before she dropped out of school and moved into his flat to spend more time with him. She had always hated school anyways and it took very little encouragement for her to ditch it. Her mum was furious, of course, but Rose didn't care. Mum was hardly home at all herself so Rose was sure her mum wouldn't even notice her absence. Rose was sure her mum only got mad because she wanted to stop Rose from having fun, or any happiness of her own. It wasn't because she really cared.

She'd really gotten caught up it in all. She'd only done what she wanted in the moment because it was good to have something that was exciting. It was good to actually be wanted. So, she didn't listen to the doubt and whispers that tried to tell her things. After all, she had only been 15 when she met Jimmy. She only pushed the doubts away and did what Jimmy wanted because she was sure that she was only being a child and needed to grow up. She was happy with Jimmy and she wanted him to be happy to. She did whatever he wanted and she gave him anything asked for. She was having a good time and she didn't want it to end.

But it had ended and all too soon. Because she had been having such a good time she had misunderstood when things were changing. Actually, it wasn't misunderstanding; she was misleading herself. She thought it had come on suddenly but it had been there all along. She hadn't seen it because she hadn't really known Jimmy when she's moved in with him. He hadn't changed; she had just started to see him for who he really was.

She tried to make the best of it. Jimmy was an adult and she hadn't been used to grown up life. But she knew it was a combination of good and bad. She knew it wasn't easy. Jimmy had a job he didn't really like and that didn't pay well. He had bills to pay and money was tight. She tried to help but she knew nothing she was doing was enough. She wanted to make it better so she had told herself that the anger was just frustration and it was alright if he directed it at her even when it wasn't her fault. Didn't everyone say things they didn't mean when they were upset? She had chosen to see the possessiveness as love. She had told herself to believe that the rough way he handled her was just passion.

He rarely used his hands to inflict pain on her. It was only in the midst of their most intimate times that he became a little too forceful with her and sometimes it left marks. She hadn't seen it as a problem given the nature of the marks. She really just thought he let himself get carried. And she was so inexperienced she thought maybe it was supposed to be that way.

It wasn't until time started passing that she knew something was wrong. She always had known it all along. Maybe it was because, even after they had been together she felt empty. It was never what she imagined it would be. It was always faster and harder and much farther than she ever wanted to go. It was never quite what she wanted or what she needed it. But her opinion never had seemed to carry any weight or importance especially in that area. Her opinion in anything really didn't seem to matter so she'd given up having one a long time ago.

Maybe those times felt so empty because even then he never said she was beautiful. She was only a body to him and she was a poor excuse for one at that. She was never good enough. Small comments from him at the start had firmly embedded themselves in her mind, growing into terrible doubts that made her see herself in ways she never had before. She had taken drastic measures right away to try and change those flaws. She had done this to herself but no matter what she did it never made his opinion of her any better. His comments were subtle but they never went away.

She looked at her own body now and was repulsed by it. She wished for it as it had been, not as it was now. She had made it look this way and for what reason? It never made her body enough to please and it never kept her from hating it. It never made anyone else say it was beautiful and never made her think it was anything but ugly. Jimmy had still, after all this time, not once ever said she was beautiful. He always had something ugly to say instead.

That was his weapon of choice. He was too smart, too clever for brute force alone. He left the majority of his marks more than skin deep. He used his words, his feelings to hurt her the most. These marks left themselves on her heart and mind and they didn't fade as easily or as quickly as a bruise on the skin would. These kinds of injuries not only hurt her but got her to hurt herself. He not only used them as weapons against her but she used them as weapons against herself. Just as it was with his comments about her body so it was with anything else he said. It wasn't long before his comments made her say the same things, think the same thoughts, believe the same ways he did about her.

She found herself in a most dangerous place. There were enough good times she could convince herself that she should stay with him. And the bad times weren't quite bad enough to convince her to leave him. It left her in a perpetual battle with him and with herself. Just as one of his outbursts had nearly convinced her to leave he would give her a reason to stay. She put up with the bad times because there were good ones too. Wasn't that better than having no good times at all? She'd always thought so but now she wasn't so sure.

Today all her lies were coming into light. After what had happened today, she could no longer not see things for the way they truly were. After what she had done today she could not deny the control she had allowed Jimmy to have over her. She'd honestly known that for a long time she'd just never had the guts to admit it to herself. It was better to cling to her thin beliefs and not look at them too hard than to really see her life for what it was. Everything she had built was unraveling before her. She didn't even know who she was anymore. What was she becoming?

If this was love she wanted no part of it. She felt like she was starving on the inside. If love was giving and giving but never getting anything in return she didn't want it. If love was hurting your body to make it look better than she did not want it. If love was doing things you didn't like and weren't comfortable with in order to show it to someone else then she didn't want it.

But she knew this wasn't love. If it were love she wouldn't have done what she had today. She had never experienced love but she knew enough to know that this wasn't it. He had never loved her she knew that now. She felt so stupid. Of course he didn't love her and she should have known that. He never once said it. He hadn't given her anything and she'd just willingly given him everything.

She sobbed even harder now, ashamed at herself. Why had she stayed with Jimmy all of this time? Why had she put up with all of this? Jimmy didn't love her and didn't take of her. He hurt her and still she was desperate to stay with him. She hadn't realized how much she was willing to do to stay with him. If he had really loved her everything would have been different.

If it were love it wouldn't have stopped if she had told him she was pregnant. If it were love she wouldn't have been so afraid that she didn't even tell him when she found out. She had been so afraid of what he would say, what he would do to her when he found out. But mostly she was just afraid that he would leave her. She didn't even have to ask to know that Jimmy wasn't going to be anyone's father. She knew that if she had told him she was pregnant he would have left her**. **If it were love she wouldn't have had to choose between the baby inside of her and the man who had helped create it.

But today she had chosen.

They'd told her the baby would've never survived. The way she starved her body would never allow it to sustain a pregnancy. They told her that when she'd started to sob after it was over, already knowing she'd made a terrible mistake but there was nothing she could do to take it back. They told her she shouldn't have even been able to get pregnant. As if any of that were supposed to make her feel better. As if that removed her guilt. All of this was her doing and she knew she would have to live with the guilt of it forever.

She hadn't thought of the guilt she would have to carry. She had thought she was taking the easy way out. But this was not easy. The guilt of this was so heavy she wasn't sure how she would ever be able to carry it. She was so ashamed she could hardly even look at herself. It was worse than she could have ever dreamed and she was so weak she didn't think she could handle it.

If this was life she didn't want to live anymore. Was this really what life was? Is this really as good as this were going to get for her? Because if it was then she didn't think she could bear it any longer. If the rest of her life was like the past year she'd just had then she didn't want anymore. She was suddenly paralyzed by the feeling that things would never get better. She actually felt for a moment that she had no hope at all. She felt it just had to end and that she would not go on. It frightened her; she had never felt this way.

The tears had stopped but it didn't make her feel better. Her feelings were going away but they were replaced with a nothingness and all she could think of was that she wanted it to be over. She looked at the shattered remains of bottle on floor. She picked up a large piece of it and stared at it. It was broken, like her. It could never be put back together again. She felt like that inside. She feared she could never be whole again. She looked at the piece of glass in her hand and thought of how easily it could all go away.

It would be easier than to keep going. She was so tired. She was exhausted in every way. Even if she'd had any energy she didn't even know where she would go from here.

Something seemed to snap inside of her as she really thought about what she was considering doing. She now stared at the glass in her hand, horrified that she was actually considering doing this. Why was she still so concerned in taking the easy path? The easy path was what had led her to the position she was in right now. When had she accepted this? When had she agreed to allow this to be her life? When had she allowed others to guide her decisions so drastically?

Yes, it had to end. Not life entirely, but this life, her life as it was now had to be destroyed. For so long she had only been drifting through life, only taking things as they came to her. She had felt that Jimmy's behavior and her indifference about it was only hurting her. She saw no harm in it when she was the only victim. But today, with her consent, it had hurt someone else. And she would not stand for that. She didn't know who this woman was that she had become but she knew she did not want to be her. She _would_ not be her anymore.

Something was shifting inside of her. Something was changing. Not going back the way it was before all of this started. Something new, feelings she was unfamiliar with, were coursing through her. Determination was building inside of her. She felt strength there also. It had been so long since she had felt this way, she may never have felt this way. But she liked the way it felt. There was spunk and attitude in her that she'd forgotten she'd had. She didn't know where it was coming from but she knew she was going to need it.

"No more," she said squeezing her hand around the piece of glass and squeezing hard. She felt it cut into her hand but she didn't care. She'd been thinking of a way out and there was a way out. She didn't have to be this version of her self anymore. She had done so much, so many things she regretted because of Jimmy. Nothing worse than what she had done today. But this was the end. Not the end of Rose, but the end of the Rose who did what others told her to do. She would not let this terrible mistake of hers be in vain.

She had forgotten what it was like to want something, she had lost the energy to dream, and she was afraid she never would find her back to being able to do that. But she was going to try. As hard as it was going to be to start over she had a brain and it was time to start using it. It was time to find out who she was, what _she_ wanted, and what she was capable of.

"No more," she said again opening her hand and dropping the glass to the floor with splatters of her blood with it. She stared at the cut on her hand and smiled. "This is the last mark you're gonna leave on me, Jimmy Stone."

Rose and the Doctor both felt themselves starting to fall out of the memory. What needed to come out had been shown. The story was told. Now they would wake to deal with what they'd experienced.


	7. Chapter 7

"Doctor! Doctor!" Rose screamed.

The Doctor could hear Rose crying his name but he found it took him a terrible amount of time to come to. The haze of the memories was so thick it made him disoriented and he struggled to find his way out. As he came out of the past it really did feel like falling and it was like he was waiting to land. When he finally was aware of the present and could make sense of his surroundings he immediately reached out for her. He gripped her by the arms. "Rose, what is it? I'm right here, it's alright. "

"You were crying..." she said her voice trickling off as she looked at him."I came out of it first and I saw you were crying."

He reached a hand to his face and felt that his cheeks were wet. He'd never cried in front of her before and he could tell it alarmed her. He was still struggling to maintain some strength over the emotions that he had felt from her memories. He'd seen so much and he'd felt it all. They lingered still and it was hard to understand what he was feeling at the moment. It was difficult not to become overwhelmed. He had tried not to but it was obvious he wasn't doing a very good job.

He struggled just to come up with something to say and couldn't. In the silence Rose's face crumpled "I'm sorry," she said looking down as her shoulders slumped and she started to shake with quiet sobs.

She was still feeling what she had in that memory. She was till very much in that moment. He knew she was because he could feel it too. As he watched her crying looking so lonely in front of him, he fought to pull himself together so he could be strong for her. But it was overwhelming. He was very out of practice at knowing how to handle this.

He felt what she had felt. A slew of young human female emotions hit him. Anyone who downplayed the severity of them obviously had never felt them. He felt an crippling powerlessness, a feeling to which he most unaccustomed to. It seemed it would never end, that it never could be escaped from. Self-loathing to a degree that rivaled even what he carried around himself was found in her. There was so much guilt coming out. She had always pushed it away but now that the barrier was broken it was spilling out.

He wondered desperately how he could not have known that she carried such a flawed picture of herself in her mind. She had felt she was stupid. She had thought she was ugly. She thought she was worthless in every way, unworthy and unlovable. She had been made to feel that way many times over and she began to own it herself. She honestly couldn't believe that anyone could ever love or truly desire her just for who she was. He felt those fears and insecurities now. He knew they were old and she didn't carry them on a daily basis anymore but they were always just under the surface and they could come out like they were now, if only she gave them attention. They were such a contrast to the way he felt about her he didn't know what to do with them.

Part of that girl was still inside of her. Though most of it had been eradicated through time some of it still lingered. He'd felt it from time to time in their various bonding sessions. He'd felt rare but powerful feelings of fear and doubt, feelings of abandonment and insecurity. And that was what scared her the most. She hated the girl she'd been then and hated that there was still part of that personality she would struggle with for the rest of her life.

The Doctor wondered, how had he not known? How could there have been so much inside of her that she had been able to keep from him? As close as they had gotten he should have seen this sooner. He felt terrible; terrible that she had experienced so much pain and that he'd never known about. He felt so guilty that he'd never seen. There had been hints of it along the way, clues if he'd been looking. And he'd seen them. Why hadn't he ever wondered about them more?

But those feelings of the past were fading slowly as they both came to face reality again. He could feel that the past was being put back in the past and she was returning to her current state of being. The fears and troubles of the past were going away but they were being replaced by ones in the present. To replace them were the feelings she was currently having over having revealed her secret to him. He could feel her exposure. He felt how bare she felt in front of him. She was so ashamed to have him see the person she used to be. He knew how hard it must be for her. Showing such a deep and painful memory was hard enough for anyone and this was the first time she ever had to do so telepathically. He felt her struggling, scrambling to compose herself and settle her nerves but she was not having much success.

The Doctor could feel shame and humiliation rolling off of her. His heart broke for her. The bond, it did not come without a cost. And here it was. But she had done it for them. She had given it up, she'd let him in to see, so that they could keep growing deeper in their connection with each other. And now it was it was his turn to take it from here.

"Now you know. Could you still want me?" she asked and these were the words that finally snapped him out of his daze.

"Rose...my sweet Rose. I still want you. I will always want you," he said reaching out to take her back in his arms. She tried to push him away at first, a reflex, before she clung to him urgently instead.

"How could you?" she cried and it was a bit muffled against his shoulder. "I'm everything you thought I wasn't. I'm weak and scared and selfish. I…my own baby, and I...," she said sobbing against him, unable to put it to words.

"Rose, you are so beautiful, so kind, so sweet, so smart," he said telling her exactly what he thought of her without reservation, telling her everything she was that she thought she wasn't. He held her as tight as he could against himself and brought to the surface all the warmth and love and understanding he could pull up from inside himself. He pressed it against her and wrapped it around her. "I adore you so much."

She sobbed harder at his words at first. She was still struggling to overcome the backlash of the memory. There was a war inside of her between the memories of her then and what he was telling her now. His words and acceptance were not the reaction she had had expected and she didn't feel like she deserved them. He would say it as many times as he needed to help her overcome her doubt. "You shouldn't. I'm not..."she started to say.

"Yes, you are," he firmly but gently. "You are so beautiful. Inside and out, in every way. I don't tell you that enough-" he said stopping a rare catch in his throat. He turned her in his arms so she was looking up at him, still holding her close. "I hope you know how amazing I think you are."

"I do. I do know," she said shaking her head with certainty, starting to cry even harder. But he was pleased to feel that the tears were less from sadness and more from being moved by his words.

"What you are feeling right now...that is what you used you to be. You chose to be different. Long before I met you. Even that night you made a choice to be someone different."

"I just can't believe I was ever like that. I would have done anything to keep him. Anything..." she said with repulsion. "What kind of woman does that make me?"

"You..." he said placing a hand on her face, "Were so lonely. Rose, I _felt _how much. So young, so sad, so lonely. I've never felt it like that..." he said his voice trailing off. Her human loneliness from that time was so powerful and so different than what he was used to he didn't even know how to describe it. "Loneliness is perhaps the most powerful and most dreadful force in the universe."

"That doesn't give me an excuse for what I did. Everyone gets lonely."

"Your heart is so tender. It's so lovely. But to have it abused in such a way..." he said holding a hand to her face even as he felt the pain of knowing how she'd been hurt. It absolutely broke him to know that anyone had ever hurt her. How _could_ anyone ever hurt her? Why did there have to be a time when she had not been under his protection? Right now he felt as if he would never let her go. He never wanted her out of his sight where anyone could harm her ever again.

"He never loved me," she said sadly, remembering. "He hurt me, he manipulated me, and used me. And I still loved him, I still stayed with him at all costs. I hate that it took hitting rock bottom for me to finally leave him."

"What happened? After that?" he asked.

"I went home that night. I told mum that things weren't working out between me and Jimmy. She didn't ask a lot of questions and she let me come back. She was much better to me than I deserved after the way that I acted when I left. Jimmy was furious of course. He made a lot of threats but he never did anything. Soon enough he'd moved on to torment some other poor girl. Last I'd heard he was in prison for something, I don't even know what for. Things weren't perfect after that, you know, but they got a lot better."

"Your mum didn't know what happened?"

"I never told anyone," she said breaking his gaze and looking down. "I was so eager to leave that version of myself behind that I just wanted to pretend none of it had never happened. I never even told mum. I was too afraid."

The Doctor reached down and lifted her chin up with his hand. _Are you afraid now? _he asked, moving his mind back into hers again. Could she feel what he felt? Could she feel that things had not changed as she had feared they would? Did she know he still loved her beyond compare? Now more than ever?

His Rose was so fearless. It was so hard to imagine that she had ever been so afraid of anything or anyone. People changed but for someone to change their character so dramatically was rare. He could only imagine the strength that it had taken to leave that monster, the bravery it took to start over, and the humility it took to go back home to Jackie. She was amazing. She had feared he would think less of her after he'd seen this memory. But it had made her think more of her. It only proved the strength she had inside of her.

She paused before she answered but her answer was certain. _No. _She trusted him now. She had been afraid to tell him but now she could feel that he did still love her, did still accept her even with this knowledge.

He smiled, so glad to have her comfortably back inside of his mind again, speaking to him in their secret way.

_I'm glad I had to tell you _she said and he was so glad there was a glint of happiness in her voice when she said it.

_Me too_

He pulled her to himself again. As he held her against himself he could feel the guilt radiating off of her. She had trusted him with her secret it did not take away the guilt she felt. He hated to feel that so much lived inside of her. He wished he could take it all away.

It was then that he remembered something. He had forgotten something that he was capable of. How could he have forgotten this? When he remembered it, he realized why she had been pushed into sharing this with him. She had been forced into sharing the memory with him because of this guilt she carried and what he could do about that. He had forgotten he had the power to take it from her. It had been so long since he had done this he wondered if he still could, if he still knew how. But he immediately began to try.

He reached down inside of her, getting himself deeper and deeper into her guilt, planting himself in the midst of it. It was so strong now to him; it clung to him and made it hard not to feel it was his own. When you got this deeply down into someone's emotions you started to feel them and own. But he focused hard reminding himself that these were Rose's feelings and he was here for a reason. He pushed the guilt off of him, so that it wasn't clinging to him and visualized it in front of him.

He reached out and grabbed hold of the guilt, such old guilt he could see the time written on it, see how long it had resided here, and pulled on it. When he pulled on it, it moved. He pulled on it harder, hard enough to pull it out of her. He drew it out of her and pulled it into himself, where it would stay. It had worked. He had taken some of her guilt, literally taken it away from her. He now bore some of her burden.

Rose felt as the Doctor reached inside of her and pulled. _What are you doing? _she asked in barely a whisper, anticipation in her voice at what he was doing. He didn't answer, he only continued to move, his movements full of love and intention.

He pulled and pulled, taking as much as he could into himself. He smiled as he felt her getting lighter as he did so. He was so glad it was working. This was one of the most precious gifts of having a bond with someone; you truly did not have to bear their burdens alone. He could not take it all away from her; there was a limit. A person could never get rid of all of their emotions, good or bad in this way.

But he took as much as he could. Guilt had a long standing home in his heart; he would not find this burden out of place. He knew exactly where to put it. And he knew he could bear it. It was always easier to bear another's regrets, failures, shame and guilt. Not because you took another person's failures easier than your own; when you loved a person like this, enough to be able to do this, you took theirs much more seriously than your own. But it was easier because you were always the hardest and cruelest to yourself. Her guilt did hurt him; that was for certain. It stung on its way in. But he would hold it in a different way than she would. Only when she had been relieved of it, would she have space for forgiveness.

She gasped as that deep set regret and guilt inside of her started moving. She knew what he was doing now. He was pulling it out of her. The guilt had been inside of her for so long, a constant pain that flared anytime she gave it attention, that she could easily feel that it was leaving, actually leaving her body. It was becoming less and less. Nothing had ever reduced it and she thought nothing ever would. But he was doing it right now.

Wonder filled her mind as she tried to figure out how this could be happening. There was so much about their bond that amazed her but this had to be the thing that had surprised her the most. Maybe it was because she had needed it so much but never even dreamed it were a possibility. It felt so good to be emptied of this darkness. So good that it overshadowed her realization of how this was happening. He wasn't pulling it out just to dispose of it; in order to pull it out of her, he had to take it into himself. It had to go somewhere; it couldn't disappear.

She knew she should stop him. This wasn't just happening on its own; he was doing it by choice. She could feel his purpose in the way he pulled it out of her. But she should stop him. She knew he carried so much guilt already. He blamed himself for everything that happened it seemed. This was her burden to carry and she should take the full responsibility of it. She shouldn't let him carry it for her.

But she didn't stop him. It felt so good, she wanted it gone for so long, and she felt so weak that she didn't want him to stop. And she realized that he didn't want her to stop him either. She could feel how special a thing this was and she didn't dare speak now or stop it. This was a private benefit of the bond that they shared. The bond had forced this memory out of her, it had required she give it up to him in order to proceed down this road with him. There were costs to having this bond; you forfeited your right to privacy.

But it wasn't a cost alone. It hadn't prompted her to have this memory just to pay some due for the privilege of being together in their minds. It had prompted her to have the memory so that they could have this. She had to share the memory in order for him to be able to do this very thing for her. If she hadn't let him see her guilt he could never have taken it from her like this. It was a way to show her love. She could feel that he'd done this before. There were whispers of times he'd done this for others he had bonded with so long ago, those people he had loved most. And he wanted to do it for her now.

He pulled and pulled until it stopped preventing him from puling any more. When his movements stopped she could feel that he had taken almost all of it. There was a part that was deeply embedded inside of her, a part that could never be removed. And while it was still very dark it now seemed so small it was no longer as imposing. With most of it gone she felt so empty and freed up inside.

And now that it was gone there was space for other things. The guilt had covered it up but now she could see it. The best parts of her had been born of that terrible time in her life. It was only because she had been so weak that she had worked to become strong. It was only because she had been hurt that she wanted to stand up for the vulnerable. This was where her compassion had grown to full capacity. Only because she had been a victim could she recognize and help others who were. Only because she had made a terrible mistake could she keep herself from turning that way again. She'd not been able to see it before but now that she could she felt she could finally let go of the last bit of guilt and forgive herself.

"Thank you," she whispered, out of breath and unable to make her mind do the talking at the moment. Her giving up the memory had been required for them to move forward but him taking it from her had not. Technically a person did not have to offer to take it away but when someone was this close to you, how could you ever refuse? Still she did not take it lightly or for granted.

"It was my pleasure," he said quietly back. He was gasping for breath, fatigued from his efforts. She reached out to his mind and held on to that place in his mind, that place where he now housed her hurt. She knew where it was and she placed her hand over that part of his head. It was such a large space and already so full and yet he had chosen to put her remorse there. She massaged that place, both inside and out with gratitude.

"You gave me this...," she said her voice trailing off. He had given her a new way to see herself. Because of him she could see that there was good in her born from the bad. With his help she now forgave herself.

"I wanted to," he said. He didn't need her to finish. He knew what she meant. "I knew it was there the first time I touched you. Without even knowing what happened I still knew that's where the strongest part of you was born."

"Because of you...I..." she said struggling with her words of gratefulness. Because of him she could now forgive herself.

"I know," he whispered back. It's all he had wanted for her and had been his very intention.

Rose was amazed. For so long she never thought that anyone would love her. She could have never imagined that anyone could love her as much as the Doctor did. Not only had he looked at the darkness inside of her and accepted her in spite of it, he had taken as much of it as he could from her to lighten her load.

She was so filled with love for him. She was just about to tell him so when she felt something move inside of him.

A memory was coming to the surface, coming up from inside of him and he was not fighting it off. It was his turn now. He had wished to share this with her, he had wanted to go first to spare her. But now that it was actually going to happen he was afraid. He knew that this was going to be his darkest memory. He had so many dark ones he wasn't sure exactly which one it was going to be but he did know that he didn't want her to see any of them.

He didn't try to fight it though. He knew he would not be able to stop it any better than she had been able to stop hers . This was supposed to happen. He needed to share it with her. Right now things were unbalanced. He had to give something up too. But even if he hadn't been required to give it up he would. She'd shared her biggest mistake with him and now it was his turn to do the same. That still didn't mean that he wasn't afraid to do so.

But he was strengthened by what she had already done for them and used it to give him the strength he needed to do the same. He was glad now that she had gone first. If she hadn't maybe he wouldn't have been strong enough to share this with her.

Rose felt it coming on too. _It's alright _she encouraged. She eagerly stepped up to take his place, their roles now reversing. Her mind was open for the memory. She reached out and pulled his head to rest on her shoulder and held him safely against her.

He held her back as he felt anger, sorrow, hate, pain, fear building up inside of him. So many things he had thought he'd left behind. He'd made it so far and yet right now it felt as if he were back at day one. He knew he had to do this for them but it didn't mean that the experience would be any less agonizing for him. And in turn for her as well.

_I'm sorry _he said, already apologizing for the things she would have to see, for the things she was going to feel.

She could feel it build up too. He could tell it was already starting to affect her. She was already starting to feel the things he was feeling. _We'll get through this. Everything will be alright _she said trying to reassure them both.

_I hope it will be _he said but his voice was not at all strong as they tumbled back in time again, this time into his past.


	8. Chapter 8

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of violence and torture **

**A/N: While I have used some facts about the Doctor and the Time War that appeared in "The Day of the Doctor," I still hold to the viewpoint that the Doctor _did _destroy Gallifrey. I wanted to make that clear so that you will know that what the Doctor remembers in this chapter and his guilt over is real and did happen. **

There were so many memories that they could have found themselves in the middle. There were so many terrible stories in the Doctor's past that would have told of the horrors of the war, that would have shown the terrible part that he had played in it. It had gone on for so long and he had done so many things he regretted he held his breath to see which one would be revealed to Rose in full detail, which one she would have to experience for herself.

He had a guess about which one would they would fall into. He was sure it would be the moment that he had chosen to end it all, the moment when he could see his people dying and know the agony they would fell and he had chosen to do it anyway. He was sure that this moment, when he ended billions of lives, when he destroyed all of is own people, would be the one his mind required that he share Rose.

But he was surprised to find that it was not that memory that was now coming to the surface of his mind. The memory that was coming to mind was almost as terrible as the one he'd guessed it would be; maybe even worse. It was not the extent of damage he had caused that made this particular memory terrible but the proximity that did. This was not a time he had killed billions at a time but only one. This was not a time that he was distant from the person who would become his victim but a time when he was quite intimate with them. Looking at it now he could see how much more terrible this memory would be. Maybe this was his most terrible memory of all. He figured it must be since this was the one being drawn out. Even it wasn't it would thoroughly encompass the terrible things he was capable of. This was the memory of the first of his own people that he had killed.

What would Rose think of him when this was over? As he felt himself falling deeper into the memory this thought came to him while he was still aware of the present. It was a final worry before he was consumed by the past. He had always strove to hide this part of himself from Rose. He had never wanted her to see this violent part of him, the part that was capable of hurting people, even of killing them. In the time he had known her he could remember only one time when he had not been able to conceal it from her and the solider in him had shown through enough for her to see.

It was the first time he'd seen a Dalek after the Time War. The war seemed like such a long time ago now but back then the memories of the war had been fresh in his mind. The pain was still raw and only just barely contained below the surface. And when he had seen that _thing_,his enemy who he thought had been wiped clean from the universe, he had not been able to contain the hate he felt for the Daleks. His violent spirit which he had hoped he was able to squelch was right there and ready to destroy again.

He could still remember Rose's face, the look of utter horror and repulsion as she looked at him while he had wielded a gun at that Dalek ready to kill it. They'd not known each other long at that point and she'd not known the whole story. But even still he had not held it against her for looking at him that way. He'd deserved it and she'd been right. Would she look at him like that again after she saw this? He didn't think he could bear to have her look at him the way he knew he deserved for what they were about to see.

She still didn't know the whole story but she would soon. Would she choose to stay with him once she learned that he had been the one to kill all the Daleks and all the Time Lords? Of course, she knew he'd killed people; that would be no surprise. But now she would know he had killed his own people too. They were not killed by the enemy but by him. He was alone, the last of his kind, because of his own actions. He was the one who had made it so. Would she have any sympathy for him once she realized this?

He cringed as he held nothing back and they where transported back in time to a planet that no longer existed. Despite the fact that Rose had never been here, she recognized it right away. This was the Doctor's planet. She felt as if it were home. Everything about it felt familiar. The last shreds of the present and her own mind started to fall away and she found herself immersed in this place and the surroundings. There was a sense of belonging here but it was broken. She felt it was tainted. It was being destroyed. It wasn't safe any longer.

She saw the Doctor. He wore a face she had not seen but she knew it was him without a doubt. And yet, it wasn't the Doctor; he did not even attach to his name to this face. She could feel the repulsion he felt at the sight of this self of him. He didn't even count this one he hated it so. Powerful feelings came up inside of her from this Doctor, feelings of hate and rage, of loss and pain, of terrible, terrible fear. Ever since she'd been inside of the Doctor she had never felt feelings like this before.

She felt a terrible struggle inside of her. There was a war going on inside of him between what was right and what was wrong. There was a struggle between what he wanted and what he knew had to happen. There was a terrible weight on his shoulders. It was a decision he had to make. It was such a costly decision, made even more difficult by the fact that he was the only one willing to make it. It was full of fear and desperation but the truth of it could not be ignored.

The face he wore was familiar to her but his eyes were not. She didn't understand at first. His eyes were always the same. They had been the first thing she had connected with when he'd gotten this new body. But it was the expression in these eyes that she did not recognize now. It seemed they could not be his eyes with that look in them. The way he stared at the man across from him in this memory was a way she had never seen him look at anyone before. It was filled with hate; there was an intention to hurt. The power she now knew he held inside of him he wore on the outside. He held it on his shoulders with the intention of using it.

"Where is it?" the Doctor asked firmly with anger.

"I don't know what you're talking about," the other man, a Time Lord, dressed in traditional robes, said. It was a contrast to what the Doctor was wearing as was the setting they found themselves. They were in dark secluded hallway of immaculate looking place. The Doctor, in his worn mismatched clothes still covered in dust and dirt, did not seem to belong here.

One was a man who saw the front lines, one who fought the fight, one who knew how things were playing out because he had been in the midst of it. The other was one that made decisions, far away from the actual danger, who did not have a full appreciation of the cause and effect.

Despite the older looking body, one that appeared older than the young man in front of him, the Doctor grabbed the man and threw him against the wall with surprising ease. "Don't pretend that I am a mystery to you or that my intentions are unknown to you. Everyone knows who I am," the Doctor said quietly, eerily soft with a small dangerous smile. It was much scarier than shouting would have been.

"Of course, I know who you are. Your reputation precedes you," the other man said with some cynicism. "As to your intentions...who could guess? You always have been a rebel."

The Doctor let out a sigh. "Fine, its going to be that way then." The Doctor entered the man's mind roughly without invitation, the severest of criminal acts for their people. He threw his request at the man with force. He heard the man make a soft, painful sound at the feel of it, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment but he contained the hurt as much as he could.

"Understand now?" the Doctor asked.

The man gritted his teeth and opened his eyes to look at the Doctor. He did not reply. It wasn't meant to be a honest question. "Where is The Moment?" the Doctor asked.

"That is just a legend."

The Doctor twisted his grip on the man's mind. He squeezed hard and the man's body trembled in pain. "Do not try to lie to me. I think you forget that I'm in your mind; its impossible."

"It's gone. We've used all the forbidden weapons."

"No, no," the Doctor said. He let his firm touch on the man's mind start to catch fire. He turned the heat up on it and let it burn the man's mind. "Stop trying to fool me. I'm tired of the games."

The man cried out in agony as the Doctor let his mind burn the man's just enough to leave a mark that would hurt but that would not destroy. "Why are you doing this?" the man cried in pain. "We're on the same side."

"This has to end. I've seen it; you've seen it. You know what will happen if this continues on and you also know that there is only one way to end it. The problem is I am the only one who is willing to face the truth, the only one who is willing to do what needs to be done. That makes us on opposite sides now."

"You mean to destroy us all."

"I mean to end this war."

"And you will kill us...your own people? All of us...even the innocent? Even the _children_?" The man threw an image back at the Doctor. The Doctor got a glimpse of what that would be like. The man showed the Doctor what it would feel like to end their lives, what it would sound like to hear them all shout in agony as they burned to death. The Doctor felt what that would do to him. He blocked it out at quickly, not focusing on it too long but it was not before it started to chip away at his already thin resolve.

He pushed the man harder up against the wall. "We are not the only ones in the universe."

"We are the ones that matter," the man spat back with some venom. "You would sacrifice us for all those lesser species? Who ever put you in a position to be able to make such a great decision? Have you made yourself God? You will lord your decisions over us?"

"I mean to end the suffering before it destroys the whole universe and the all of time. You know it will."

The man refused to agree to this. He knew it was true but he would not agree with the Doctor. The Doctor continued. "Which brings me back to the real question here. Where is it?"

"You know its sentient, right? It has a conscious. It will judge you."

"There is nothing it could say to me that I have not already heard. There is no one, no machine, no nothing that could make me feel guiltier than I make myself," he admitted, some of his anguish slipping through before he could harden his voice and resolve again. "I'll ask you once more: where is it?"

The Doctor felt the man start to put up barriers to keep him from going any further into his mind. It was difficult because the Doctor held such a firm grip on him and because his mind was damaged and weak but he was trying. He would not say where it was. This would not deter the Doctor.

"Do not make me take it," the Doctor warned.

The man looked at the Doctor. Clear fear was in his eyes. He knew that the Doctor told the truth. He knew that he would do exactly as he said. He swallowed hard and clenched his jaw as he replied. "I won't let you do this."

For a moment, the Doctor wavered. When had he become this? When had he become a man that could evoke such fear in another person? It was one thing to use his weapons against the enemy. It was one thing to be seen as the Oncoming Storm in their eyes. But his own people? Was he really willing to kill his own people?

He felt for a minuet that he wasn't strong enough to do the right thing. He was scared. He really didn't want to do this, didn't want to become this. Why did they force him to do this? Why did they leave him as the only one who stood for what was right? Why didn't he just agree with them? Why was he fighting them? Why didn't he just go along with what they were doing? Only the fear of all that would come if he didn't act was great enough to push him forward.

He shook off his fears and doubts. He told himself it didn't matter anyway. Soon, they would all be dead. Hopefully, he would too and this would all be over, for all of them and the universe could live on. That was the best he could hope for at this point. "I warned you," he said to the man, trying to pass on the blame as if he didn't own it. "I gave you a chance," he said making an excuse.

He didn't know what he was doing exactly but it wasn't hard to figure it out once he let his power go full force. Looking for and extracting information against the will of another was not something that the Time Lords were trained in. But he was powerful, one of the most. He could probably do anything he set his mind on. He ripped through the man's mind, tearing through the weak barriers, fighting the whole way but it wasn't much of fight. The Doctor quickly tore his way down through the barriers searching for the piece of information that he wanted.

It didn't take long for the man to fall to the ground. The Doctor knew he was screaming but he held the part of the man's mind that would allow it to be audible so that no one would be alerted before he found what he wanted. The man's light was darkening but the Doctor was able to find the fact he needed before it faded completely. The Doctor now had what he had come for but there was no victory in this. He had the information he had sought but there was a cold dead mind in his hand. Once you held one you would never forget how it felt. Of course, he'd felt that before. He had been around those who had died. He's felt as their light dwindled out for ever. But never once had he felt it along with the knowledge that he had made it so. It affected him so greatly he wasn't sure he would ever recover from it.

As that realization came to the older him the present him felt himself starting to fall out of the memory and back into the present. He didn't want to stay here but he dreaded coming out almost as much, not knowing what awaited him.


	9. Chapter 9

**This is a really long chapter but I just didn't want to break up the events in this chapter. I hope you enjoy this extra long chapter :) **

The memory ended here. Not because the Doctor was trying to keep Rose from seeing more but because he could not bear it going on. He never did open his eyes to look at the dead man as he walked away. He wouldn't acknowledge the tears that were on his face when it was over or allow himself to feel anything or to think of anything other than getting to the weapon. If he had then he'd have been consumed by guilt and unable to move on.

But it was Rose's tears now that pulled him back to the present. The Doctor was still reeling from the emotions of the memory as he pulled back from the past. He felt sick to his stomach as he realized he was not at all as strong as he hoped he was. The anger, hate, fear, pain, and shame that he had once felt now came to him and they nearly broke him again. He felt he had come so far from all of that but yet, in this moment, he found himself right back there again.

The distance between them felt great though there was only a few inches separating them. The Doctor had never felt so bare, so completely exposed in all of his life. If he were standing in front of the entire universe without a scrap of clothing on he would not feel half as naked as he did right now. Only a telepath could even know the true meaning of that word for they were the only ones who could have their very thoughts and feelings and memories looked upon. The darkest part of his hearts and mind had now been opened up and looked at. He never knew what exposure was until this moment. He felt as though he'd been hollowed out as he felt Rose's gaze upon him now truly seeing him.

His darkest secrets had now been laid out in the light. He felt stripped and bare as he could no longer hide behind his omissions of the truth. No one had ever known the full truth of what had happened that day, of what he had done to end the war. He had never wanted anyone to know the full truth. But now the most important person in his life knew the truth.

His breathing was coming out quick and heavy. He didn't like to feel this way. Waves of embarrassment and shame were rolling off of him so great he could hardly bear it. What would Rose think of him now? He panicked at the thought that he might lose her in light of what she had just learned. Surely, it couldn't be true, not of Rose. But his sins were so terrible he couldn't rule it out as a possibility.

Wouldn't she at least be afraid of him? He had always been scared to tell her the truth but this particular memory was even worse now that they shared a bond. The very thing he used to show her love, his mind, he had once used to kill a man. One of his own kind. Wouldn't she be afraid to let him in now? She should.

"Now you know I wasn't innocent. I wasn't the victim. I'm the reason that I'm alone, the reason that I am the last of the Time Lords. It's my fault. I kil-" he stopped his voice cracking and heavy with tears.

There was so much silence; she still hadn't spoken. He hadn't opened his eyes yet to look at her but he could hear her breathing, rapid and gasping across from him. It was a lot to process; the logical part of him told himself it would be completely normal for her to stagger from all she had seen. Hadn't he done the same after seeing her memory? But his insecurity told him her silence was because she wouldn't accept him as she had seen him. He never had been comfortable with silence, never more so than at this moment, so he rushed to fill it up as he usually did.

"I'm sorry...I am so sorry," he said. He kept his eyes closed. He was so ashamed he couldn't even look at her. " I should have told you sooner."

"This was the right time...it came out when it should have," she said quietly still out of breath and thoughtful.

"But it wasn't fair to join myself to you like this without telling you. You didn't know-"

"Shhh," she said and he felt her put a couple of fingers on his lips. "Stop talking." She didn't know what to say. When things happened at this intensity level, there simply were no words. She was desperately trying to overcome everything she was feeling so she could be there for him. But it was difficult. There was so much pain, so much loneliness, so much fear. The things he thought about himself...she never knew how much be hated himself. Despite how overwhelmed she felt by all she knew now she rushed to speak to him. She had to tell him that those things that he thought were not true.

"You aren't a monster," she said brokenly. That was what he thought about himself. He hadn't said it out loud but she knew now. How had she not known that he saw himself in such a terrible light? How could she have failed to make him see the way she saw him?

He finally opened his eyes and looked her in awe of the words she spoke. They were the very words he had needed to hear the most. She reached out, pulling him close and cradled him against herself and he put up no fight at all. She only wanted to protect him from anything and everything that could ever hurt him like that, himself included.

He pressed his ear against the place where her strangely single human heart sat. He listened to the sound as she held her arms tightly around him. She felt so safe. Physically, he felt safe and comforted by the way she held him and emotionally he felt safe in the acceptance and love he could feel her radiating. She held him so tight proving she would not shrink away from him in light of the knowledge she now had.

She had felt safe ever since that first time they had been together telepathically. He'd felt that quality strong in her mind. She wasn't a judgmental or cruel person and he had known that she would take his secrets and they would be safe with her. But he had still been afraid. He was certain that if she ever knew the full truth about him he wouldn't be allowed in that same place again. He knew he didn't deserve it.

"Aren't you ashamed of me?" he asked.

"No, Doctor," she said in the most gentle and honest voice he'd ever heard from her. Her hands now softly rubbed his back and head where they held him against her.

"Aren't you afraid of me?" he asked brokenness in his voice.

"No, I'm not."

"Why? Why aren't you?" he cried desperately pulling back and looking at her. "You should be."

He wasn't sure why he was trying to push her away. Her fear and shame of him were the things he had been most afraid of about telling her the truth. It didn't make sense that he would try to push her to the point that they would become true.

"I can't. I can't be afraid of you. I can't be ashamed of you," she said firmly to him to emphasize her words.

"Why? Why can't you?" he asked frantically.

She laid a very soft hand on his shoulder as if approaching him with caution, least he should lash out in anger or fear. "Because of the guilt. "

"What?"

She placed her other hand on his other shoulder. "The guilt, in your eyes. I've seen it ever since I met you. You probably didn't even see it, but I did. I didn't know what it was for. I always knew it would be something like this but I just didn't know what it was exactly until now. Someone who was proud of those actions, who would ever be capable of committing anything like that again...he would never carry such heavy guilt with him. You can't fake that; that's who you are at the very core of you. I know its honest."

He looked at her. What he saw in her eyes was honest too. She wasn't looking like him like he was a monster. She really wasn't afraid. She wasn't going to leave him. He leaned against her again, laying his face against her shoulder, accepting the refuge she wanted to give. "You didn't have to be so afraid to tell me," she whispered quietly. "I wish you hadn't carried it so long," she said as she gently rocked him side to side. Soft cries were muffled against her shoulder.

"In my opinion you've carried it long enough," she added.

She closed her eyes as she laid a hand on his head both holding him against her and making a connection with him. She pushed down deep into him to find the place where his guilt lay. She wanted to pull his out of him like he had done for her. But as she got close to it she found it had a cold wall around it. It was locked so deeply within him she couldn't touch it through the barrier he had around it. She pressed up against it and she felt the guilt on the other side just barely bleeding through. The wall was strong and aged. He'd placed it there soon after he'd earned the guilt and it had been there ever since.

It kept his guilt from spilling out which had kept it from hurting him but it now kept her from being able to get in and take it away. He'd built it around this weight so that it could not overwhelm him and rightfully so. It was constructed by fear and that is what kept it up still. He could feel her up against the wall and knew it was stopping her but he didn't take it away. Maybe he didn't even know how to take it down after all this time.

It was strong but Rose knew it would not be taken down with force. She knew that it would take a gentle touch, the very kind of touch she could give, to make it fall. Brute force was not the answer to fear; encouragement was.

She reached out with purpose and touched the wall, not hard but strong, in a way that she was sure he would feel it. _May I? _she whispered to him. She felt his hesitation, his fear, but also his desire for her to do just that. He wanted her to do the same for him that he had done for her. She didn't have to and he felt that it was selfish for him to ask for it. He didn't hesitate because he didn't want her to do it and that was all she needed to know before she proceeded. He wouldn't ask her to take such a burden but he also wouldn't stop her.

She focused on her feelings for him. She churned up her love for him. She focused on how strong it was, how it couldn't be shaken by this, that it was unconditional. She felt how it compelled her to stand by his side and to only ever want to take care of him. She pressed it all up against that wall and let it seep through. Right away it started to melt the wall that protected him from his own guilt. She just barely heard him gasp her name in surprise as he felt it.

There was soon an opening in the wall that was large enough that she could reach inside. She reached in where his guilt lay and touched it. She didn't know what she was doing exactly. She never did but it was never a problem. Every time she tried a new telepathic ability it always came fairly easily to her. She only tried to focus on how he had taken her guilt from her and tried to do the same.

But it wasn't easy. He had made it seem effortless when he had done it for her. He had pulled her guilt out so gracefully and gently with such ease. He was always so kind with her. But the second she touched his guilt she was nearly overwhelmed by it and felt the guilt as if it were here own. And it hurt so much. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. It took everything inside of her not to do just that.

For a moment she felt exactly what he felt. She found herself in the exact mindset that he had been following the war. She felt she hated herself, that she wanted herself dead, that every day of life lived was tainted by the way it had been obtained. She felt that everyone could see the guilt upon her shoulders and would despise her for it too. It was too much to carry on her shoulders and she didn't want to go on with this burden. Utter grief and loneliness, the likes of which she'd never experienced crashed over her. She couldn't bear the pain, it was too much.

Something in her mind told her that these were not her feelings. It was a small voice but she focused on it because it was vital that she remembered that what she felt at the moment belonged to another. She pushed and tried to find her way out of this haze of guilt. For a moment she was afraid that she would not be able to do this. Maybe she wouldn't be able to take his guilt from him. Maybe she had finally found a task she could not accomplish. Perhaps his burden was too much for her to carry. But she refused to accept that. She had to do this and so she would do this. She would never tell him she wouldn't do for him what he had done for her. She would take his guilt or she would die trying.

With her determination to do this her certainty grew that this was not her own guilt and that was key. Once she started to realize these were not her feelings that she owned she could look at them differently. They were not as overwhelming. It still hurt but it was no longer incapacitating.

She reached out and touched his guilt, grabbed it as if it were a physical object and pulled. So ingrained it was inside of him it was resistant to her pulling. It didn't want to move, probably because deep down inside of him he still wanted to hold onto it, still wanted to protect her, even though he did want to relinquish it to her. At the very heart of her she had wanted her guilt gone and that had made it easier for him to remove hers. But things like that were still very difficult for him to accept.

She would not be deterred by this though. It didn't want to move but it _was _moving. She had to pull hard but she was making progress. She just had to take a little more time and a little more effort. She just had to be gentle and patient. None of this was new to her when dealing with the Doctor. That was the way she always had to move with him.

The guilt hurt as she pulled it into herself. It was heavy and she felt the weight of it grow as she pulled it into herself. But it also felt good. It felt good because she knew that the Doctor would no longer carry this burden anymore. Feeling it inside of her made her realize that he wouldn't feel it inside of himself any longer. With every tug she felt his relief grow and that only gave her more strength for the task. She knew that soon she would not find that sad guilt in his eyes. For so long she had wanted to do whatever she could to remove. Now she was able to do it and her desire to do that outweighed any repercussions she might suffer.

The Doctor felt as Rose melted away the barrier that was around the guilt he bore. The warmth of her burned through the ice inside of him. He knew the exact moment when the guilt was exposed and he feared it would spill out and hurt him. But she was there and ready for it. He felt her reach in and start to pull on it.

He heard a gasp leave his lips as he felt it start receding from inside of him. It didn't want to move. Even his emotions were stubborn like himself. But she was amazing and she was actually taking it away. He felt as she moved skillfully to remove it with her strength and her love for him. There was a time when the pain was so great he never thought it would ever get any better. But then he had met her and things had started to get better. From the very beginning she had been working to heal him though she hadn't even known that was what she was doing. Even then he'd never dreamed she could ever take it away. Not just dull it but actually take it away. The healing that she had started back then she was now bringing to completion, a reality he never thought he'd have.

He feared for her. Maybe it was too strong. He felt her struggle at the start and he wondered if maybe she wouldn't be able to handle it. Selfishly, he wanted her to be able to take it away from him. The kinder part of him thought it would be for the best if she couldn't but really he was mostly afraid that he wouldn't be able to this. But his fear was quickly put to rest. She was always surprising him. Once she got started she didn't seem to struggle as she pulled it, so much of it, away. He felt himself get lighter and lighter. He allowed himself to bask in how good that felt. He temporarily lost himself in the feel of her touch healing him. He never thought that he could deserve to feel this way but Rose was very persuasive and he let himself be convinced.

His guilt would find a safer place to rest inside of her than inside of himself. Rose was so many things he was not. She was kind and compassionate. She was gentle and forgiving. She was all those good things that he still struggled with. She was those things he still tried hard to give others and those things he found impossible to give himself. She would find a better way to conquer his guilt than he had.

Just as he had not been able to take away all of her guilt, she could not take all of his. She worked until his mind forced her to stop. She had taken a great deal, so much that it felt as if he weren't carrying any.

"Rose...you amaze me. Everything you do...you amaze me," he said in awe.

Now, for the very first time, because of her, he could see himself as something he never had in connection with this memory. Now he could allow himself to feel like a victim. Because she had seen the memory in this way he now saw it this way too.

"Rose," he cried out into her ear. "Oh, Rose...it was awful."

She reached her hand up into his hair and stroked his hair reassuringly." I didn't want to do it," he continued. "Nobody else was going to stop it."

Rose opened her mouth to speak but she had to swallow before she could. "I know," she agreed. Unlike so many times when people said those words she actually could say it with honesty. She did know because she'd felt it for herself. Even though he hadn't wanted her to, she had seen the horrors he had witnessed. She had seen the unspeakably terrible things that would have happened if the war had gone on and if his people were allowed to continue on in all their power. As terrible as the outcome had been it would have been far worse if the Doctor hadn't intervened.

"You know you did the right thing," she whispered reassuringly to him. "You know what would have happened if you hadn't stopped them. It would have been even worse than all that did happen."

"I know," he agreed, mournfully. He really did know it was truth, but the guilt he'd felt had always made that impossible to see. Now that she said it, he knew all the more that it was true.

He moved himself back into her mind, desperate to be closer with her. For a while he just stayed there silent and unmoving, taking comfort in the glow of her. But a question formed in his mind and he broke the silence to ask it. _How long are you going to stay with me? _he asked vulnerably.

Rose was surprised by the question. It was more vulnerable that she ever thought she'd heard him before. It almost seemed to come out of no where but she knew he was still seeking reassurance from her. The night had started out with them up against a future that may come but they had both known their pasts could destroy them as well. Now they had defeated it. With one word she told him that.

_Forever _she said, the word full of promise, solid and steadfast. No matter what the future or the past held she was staying with him.

Her mouth dropped in surprise when his response came spilling out, rushing to tell her words she had not been expecting to hear.

_I love you Rose _

The Doctor had said it. It was the first time he had ever said he loved her. Of course, she'd already known it was true. She'd seen it the first time she was inside of his mind. He'd told her so many times and in so many ways but this was the very first time he had spoken it. She had thought it was enough just to feel it that she hadn't needed the words. But she had not realized what it would be like to hear his confession to her.

The way that he said it inside of her head it was not like it would be if he uttered it out loud. Inside of her head it held a tone it never would if it were exposed to the air. The inflections of each word were so unique she could not even describe them; it was like they would not exist anywhere except within the confines of her mind.

The words had been hard in coming to the Doctor but now they rushed to him. He couldn't _not _tell her. Nothing could keep him from telling her any longer. He repeated his declaration over and over again as he kissed her temple repeatedly. He wondered now how it ever could have been hard for him to tell her these words. They were words that had been true for so long.

He knew that there had still been a part of him that had worried that when she knew the truth she would not stay. Now, she had finally seen the worst of him and still she chose to stay with him. He wouldn't have faulted her if she couldn't bear the truth but he should have known that her love was most unconditional. Maybe he couldn't give her this confession without knowing she'd return it. Now that the fear of her rejection was gone nothing could hold him back from expressing to her his true feelings. He now felt desperate to make up for every time he'd held them back from her.

_I love you so _Rose replied, dizzy with his affections. Her head spun as she heard him say he loved her and as she felt the truth behind the words coming through his touch with every kiss he placed on her. She was glad that she could reply inside of his head. She saw now that it was the only place to make this first confession. There was nowhere else that she could fully express to him the truth of that statement. In this way, he would not only hear that she loved him but he would feel it too. She felt the words bursting with the emotions she felt, spilling out of her heart.

After they had both made their declarations fully and completely she felt as he started to pull his mind gently away from hers. He removed his mind more slowly than he ever had before. They had just been more strongly connected than they had tonight and easing off of that took care. She allowed him with his skill to guide them in breaking their connection.

But unlike any time before even when he was finishing pulling his mind out of hers it was like there was a part of him that lingered there. He had pulled his mind out of hers but there was a part of him still there, still remaining with her. There was a part of him that she would always carry around with her now. He opened his eyes and she looked back at him. She could feel that he felt it too. The way his eyes looked at hers she could see that there was a part of her that was fixed in him too.

They stared back at each other for a long time in awe of this new level in their relationship. As usual, she started to shake. She used to be embarrassed about that. The stimuli of the bonding was too much that it made her shake with the energy of it. She never would allow it to overwhelm her mind so it got channeled into her body. That meant that bonding with him always left her shaking. But he didn't make her feel embarrassed about it. It was a very human response and it actually quite thrilled him to see it.

Something monumental had happened here tonight. So much had passed between them. They were now bound tighter than ever. In light of what she had seen, of a future that might pull them apart forever, it scared Rose. She wanted to be thrilled about it. She wanted only to focus on those possibilities that showed her and the Doctor together for a lifetime, that would mean they would only continue on this course of growing deeper and deeper.

She opened her mouth to say something but only a very shaky breath came out as she continued to tremble.

"What is it?" he asked quietly.

"Just...just hold me," she said and he did not hesitate to pull her close to him. Sometimes he forgot. She was so good at telepathic connection he sometimes forgot that all a human needed sometimes was some physical touch.

"Just hold me and never let me go," she said quietly against him.

He held her tight as to reassure her that he would do everything in his power to do just that. The shaking stopped under his firm touch and he only wished that he could so easily cure any problem in their universe.

* * *

><p>The Doctor lay back on the ground holding Rose against his chest. Laying against him, she could hear the sound of his dual heartbeats. He ran his hand gently across her forehead, just barely touching but she could clearly hear as he played his song for her in his head. She listened to both of these sounds that were so completely the Doctor and she memorized the way they sounded together, her own personal lullaby. She hoped above all else she would never need to know the sound from memory alone but she stored it away. Just in case.<p>

Neither one had felt much like moving from this spot even though she knew it must be well into the morning by now. She never wanted to leave this spot because here she was with the Doctor, wrapped safely in his arms, just as it should always be. The second they left this spot that might change. She only wanted to stay in his arms and hear him say he would never leave her and believe that the universe had no say in the matter.

He continued to play the song but she could tell his mind was on something else as well. It was like she could distinctly tell that his attention was divided, almost as if she could see it now that a part of his mind seemed to remain with her. The weight on his mind didn't surprise her. She was pondering just as much as he was.

She felt conflicted inside. The night had been such a mix, an emotional roller coaster. The Doctor had now seen the worse version of her, a person she thought he could never accept and yet he had done just that. And he hadn't just loved her in spite of what he had seen, he had chosen to take that burden from her. Words could never describe how loved she felt from that action. She could still hear echoes of his declaration of love to her in her mind and the feel of what it had felt like for him to finally say he loved her.

Those aspects of the night filled her with incredible joy. Being with him tonight had been perfect. She could still feel the lightness of being relieved of a burden she had carried for so long. She no longer carried the full weight of it or the fear of what the Doctor would think of her if he ever found out about her past with Jimmy. Instead, she now held the weight of his secret inside of her. But rather than being a burden to her she could feel the relief it brought him. She felt the change in him now that he no longer carried it all alone anymore and feeling that and knowing she'd helped that happen made it not feel like a burden at all. The past would no longer be a problem between them. Tonight they had conquered it and in so doing had made the love between them grow even stronger.

She focused on the Doctor's presence that lingered in her mind just to remind her of that. There was a part of him that she could now keep with her always. In a sense, they could never be separated. They'd come farther tonight than both of them ever thought would be possible. She never would have dreamed that this night together would end in their bond becoming this strong. She could now feel him across the space and maybe with practice she could speak to him across the distance, just like he could to her.

Their dark pasts would no longer be a problem between them but the future could still be a problem. It was this thought that cast a shadow over the night. What were they to do now? Tonight she had seen time. For the first time she had glimpsed the future, two of them, either of which could happen. It was so strange to know that time was in such flux, to know that one of these futures could go away easily even though they both looked, at least to her, set in stone. It left her feeling more torn than she'd ever felt.

She replayed the images of the good future and all the things that could be between them. Those images that made her heart flutter and at times her cheeks flush could very well be their future too. Of course, they were also as vague as the 'dream' they'd had that had started all of this. You could only know so much about your own personal time line, whether it was real or not. But there were still feelings, and the feelings attached to these glimpses were things she wanted to be reality.

Of course, it was all dependent on them both staying alive and together and that was something she wasn't sure was going to happen. It absolutely terrified her to think that all of this could be ripped from her. Everything that had happened between them tonight had made their love even deeper and their bond more powerful. She needed him now more than ever. After tonight they had even more to lose if that terrible possibility were to become a reality.

What kind of person would she be if he was taken from her? If he was taken _out_ of her? His mind was now a part of hers; what would happen if he wasn't in there anymore? She thought about asking him what happened to his people when those who were bonded were separated but she didn't ask. She didn't want to know.

After a while she finally voiced her concerns, needing his experienced guidance to help her to know what to do. "How do we get past this?" she asked quietly and tears were in her voice. She could not tell if they were good ones or bad ones.

He let out a breath that she felt against the top of her head. The song stopped and he spoke. "This is my fault. I started all of this. If I-" he began.

She pushed up on her arms to look him in the face. "Don't you dare. Don't you ever apologize for this."

He stared back at her, silently, conceding. "I only meant", she continued, "how do you do it? How do you live life every day, when you see the future, multiple versions of it and not know which one is real?"

She felt as he ran his hands up and down her back as he thought. "Lots of practice I suppose."

"Well, it makes my head spin," she said giving him a half smile. He gave her one back."I could actually feel time. I could feel it passing. Feel the cost of it" she said, turning serious again. "Why does it hurt?" she asked.

"It doesn't always. Sometimes it's really good. Sometimes it gives you life and keeps you going. " Rose recalled those good glimpses of the future and knew exactly what he meant. "It only hurts when its sad, when you don't want what you're seeing, when there is a great cost to it.

What she had experienced tonight, seeing, hearing, and feeling an event that would pull them apart but knowing nothing more of it was not new to him. She know knew that he had seen himself losing her multiple time. "None of this is new to you. It's always this way for you isn't it?"

"That never makes it easier."

"What do we do? How do we move on from this?"

"It isn't easy," he finally admitted, with some difficultly. "You've got all this stuff in your head...you're meant to see time and intervene but you're limited in your own," he said almost to himself before turning and looking at her. "I won't pretend that it isn't a burden. You have to try and forget what you've seen because you just can't let it govern your actions. If you don't then you'll go crazy. I never thought you would be able to see the future. If I had known-"

"Don't you dare apologize again," she said pressing her forehead against his affectionately. They both closed their eyes and sighed as their minds touched again briefly.

_OK _he finally whispered.

_If it would have kept us from having this...then I'm glad you didn't know_

She didn't think he would agree but she was pleased when she heard him say _Me too_

_There were some good things we saw too _she said with a smile.

_There certainly were _he agreed with passion. Together they thought of some of those good possibilities, sharing in them slowly with each other.

It was with reluctance, sometime later, that he finally spoke again. "Come on. You need to get some sleep."

He gently rolled her off of him and got up off the ground. He held out a hand for her to take. Sleep was the very last thing she wanted to do. If their minutes were limited she didn't want to waste any of them sleeping. She wanted to make the most of every second they would have together no matter how many of few they may be.

He knew she deliberating as she sat there. "You need to sleep," he gently reasoned. "We've both been through a lot tonight. Even I need to sleep," he admitted.

"Stay with me?" she asked looking up at him.

"As if you could get rid of me," he said with a genuine smile wiggling his fingers for her to take.

She sighed but smiled and took his hand and got up. He was right; she couldn't think like their time was limited. They had to forget what they had seen or they would only live in fear of the future, altering everything they did in light of it.

But that didn't keep her from seeking one final bit of reassurance from him. "We'll be alright, yeah?" she asked as he wrapped his arm around her and lead her back to her bedroom.

"I think you said it best the other night. 'We'll always be okay, you and me.'"

Despite everything that had happened tonight she still believed that she had gotten it right that night when she said that no one could ever split her and the Doctor up. Maybe it was even because of all that had happened tonight. All that had happened to them had only made their bond stronger not weaker. Their differences couldn't split them up. Their darkest secrets couldn't come between them. They had already overcome so much together and it had only drove them closer together. They had already done so much that should have been impossible and she was confident they would only continue to defy the odds in the future. Their minds were now connected, a piece of each residing in the other. Only time would tell if they would be separated but whatever they did face in the future she was certain that they really would always be alright.

**That concludes "We'll Always Be Alright." I hope you enjoyed it.  
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